They Don't Know About Us
by Sonaaa
Summary: There's a hockey player and a boy with a stuttering problem and although they've been going to the same school for the past three years, they've never crossed paths. Until now, that is.
1. Chapter 1

i wanted to post this after i finished fyym but i couldnt wait. im already in love with it and i can tell it's going to be my baby. plus, there's only a few chapters left of fyym so.

i wanted a high school au because there are barely any high school aus, especially kames ones. but i needed one and i needed a fic where james wasn't arrogant and an imbecile. in this fic he's not the least bit arrogant and he's a genius.

honestly, shy and insecure james is cute ok. you cant deny that.

there is no cargan in this story because carlos and logan only exist to an extent. but they will definitely make an appearance, maybe even two.

this fic is a bit of a challenge for me so if anyone is out of character or whatnot; let me know so i don't make that mistake again.

this is mainly kendall centric but _ill try_ to write some chapter's where it's james' point of view (nothing's certain right now).

**Warnings:** there's a bit of talk about suicide, an attempt at it and also self-harm. also, this fic has more angst and tears than it does smiles. im 50% it will get very dark at times so shield your eyes if you dont like that or cant take it.

* * *

Kendall took one look at his schedule and groaned loudly. Home Ec? As his homeroom? That was for girls. Besides, Kendall already knew how to cook. Somewhat anyway.

But at least on the bright side; he was finally going to be captain. He was better than 80% of the team but they wouldn't let him be captain, said that was only a privilege for the seniors. Kendall scoffed. What a load of crap.

Nothing was going to bring him down this year. He's going to be captain and get a scholarship and hopefully move out of this small town.

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and started to walk to his class. He smiled at the girls who were all staring at him as he walked by. They all giggled and blushed. Kendall wished he had the heart to tell them he wasn't straight. Not even bi. And let's face it; he wouldn't exactly be treated fairly. They might even kick him off the hockey team and that is something he does not need. He walked into the classroom and sure enough, it was full of girls.

He was the only guy.

Yay, this was going to be fun.

He sat down at a table and prayed that there was another guy in the class but unfortunately for him, his prayers weren't answered. The bell rang and the teacher started the class.

"Good morning and welcome to Home Ec." She smiled brightly. Kendall wanted to vomit. "I'm your teacher, Ms. Cuddy."

Kendall tuned her out because he was too cool to be in this class. He sighed miserably and slumped down in his seat when the door burst open. A tall, slender, brunet with nerdy glasses and a timid smile walked in. The blond blinked. It was _him_. The kid who came out during sophomore year. The kid Kendall occasionally saw walking around the halls of the school after 4pm. Kendall would be there because he had a game but he had no idea what the brunet was doing there. He always seemed to stay late. His heart started beating rapidly when the thought of being in this class with him crossed his mind. Kendall would be lying if he said he didn't find him attractive because even though he looked like a complete geek he was still one of the most beautiful people Kendall has ever laid eyes on. He was always in complete awe when he looked at the brunet.

_Breathe, Kendall, breathe._ He told himself but he couldn't breathe. So many times he wished he could speak to him, find out the brunet's name but there was never a reason for him to walk up to the brunet and strike up a conversation. He also didn't really have the balls. He would sweat just thinking about him. The boy's hair was sticking out in all kinds of areas and his plaid shirt was crumpled but his black skinny jeans made the boy's legs look so slim and so long. Kendall wanted those legs to be wrapped around his waist.

_Fuck, Kendall. Snap out of it. _

Kendall never actually believed in love at first sight until the first time he saw the brunet. He thought it was cheesy and stupid. How could you fall in love with someone the second you lay eyes on them? But that all slipped away from his mind because the second Kendall laid eyes on him; he knew he was already in love. And right now, he was falling even harder.

Or maybe it was lust at first sight and he was falling in lust rather than love. But either way, he didn't want to look away from the brunet. He wanted to stare at him until the end of time and memorize everything about the brunet.

"I—I—I'm s—s—s—so sorry, Ms. C—C—C—Cud—d—ddy." The boy stuttered, avoiding eye contact with everyone. "I h—h—have a re—e—eas—s—sonable e—e—explanation for b—b—being la—ate."

He frowned. He didn't know he stuttered. Well, he didn't even know that the brunet could speak. They didn't have any classes together, prior to this year, and they didn't exactly talk to each other. Kendall was sure the brunet didn't even know that he existed.

He heard a few snickers come from his classmates and Kendall saw the way the boy's face fell slightly, his eyes dropping to the floor. He bit his bottom lip and ran a shaky hand through his hair but didn't look up.

Kendall's heart broke for him and he wanted to smack everyone who laughed.

Ms. Cuddy gave him a stern look (which the brunet didn't even see) but motioned for him to sit down. "We'll speak later, James."

_James._

With his shoulders slumped, the boy made his way to a seat in the back, his eyes still strained on the floor. Kendall's eyes wanted to follow the brunet but he refrained. He didn't want to be too obvious, especially with the way half of the girls in the class were already staring at him.

"Everyone will be choosing their partner for the rest of the year." She said then looked at Kendall and James. "Since you two are the only boys in the class, you will pair up."

All the girls made a sound of protest.

"I will not have you two thinking you will get an easy A because a girl will do all the work."

Dammit. That's what Kendall was thinking. Who better to partner up with than a girl in Home Ec? But he didn't exactly have any complaints on working with the brunet, in fact, his heart picked up its pace when he thought about it. He was going to work with James. He was going to speak to him and get to know him. He was going to fall hopelessly and madly in love.

"Pick your partners and sit next to them."

Kendall turned to look at James to see if the brunet wanted to come to the front but he was staring down at his hands. Swallowing and telling his heart to calm the fuck down, Kendall quickly grabbed his backpack and made his way over to the brunet. He sat down.

"I'm Kendall."

"J—J—J—James." The brunet said shyly, his cheeks turning rosy.

It made Kendall smile.

"Exchange phone numbers and/or email addresses because you will need it." Ms. Cuddy said.

"I can give you my number." Kendall said.

"I d—d—d—on't have a—a—a—a cell ph—ph—ph—phone." James replied, embarrassed.

The blond frowned. What teenager didn't have a phone? His parents are either broke or hate his guts but judging by his designer clothes, shoes, and Ray Bans glasses; he most definitely was not poor.

"Do you have Facebook?"

James shook his head.

"I guess we'll contact each other through pigeons." The blond joked but James didn't laugh.

He didn't even crack a smile. The blond's smile instantly faded, feeling the uncomfortable and tense atmosphere between them. He rubbed the back of his neck.

Did Kendall make him uncomfortable?

He was about to ask when the brunet took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it then handed it to Kendall. The blond stared down at the paper. It was an email address.

"So, you don't live in the stone age." Kendall said, making another attempt at a joke.

James didn't even look up from his hands; instead he turned his chair away from Kendall. Something churned in the pit of Kendall's stomach. He didn't like this feeling. He especially didn't like it that it was James making him feel it.

"James—"

The brunet turned around and put a finger to his lips, pointing to the teacher, indicating that she was talking. Kendall frowned but didn't say anything.

Well, this was going to be harder than he thought.

Kendall didn't bother trying to make conversation after that and the teacher went on talking about cooking some pie or something for their first assignment. Kendall tuned her out again and tried not to fall asleep. It was only the first class of the day and he was already bored out of his mind.

This really was going to be a long year.

* * *

When it was lunch time, Kendall bolted out of his math class and into the caf. He spotted his best friend and sat down in front of her.

"How was your first day?" The raven haired girl grinned.

"I have Home Ec!" Kendall cried.

"Are you serious?" She laughed. "Man, I wish we had that together so I could make fun of you."

Kendall scanned the room for James but he was nowhere in sight. He continued to look around, thinking he missed the brunet at first.

"Who are you looking for?" Alex asked.

His head snapped back to her. "What?"

She gave him an odd look and asked again, "who are you looking for?"

Who _was_ he looking for? He knew James never ate lunch in the cafeteria. In the past 3 years he has never seen James step foot into anything but a classroom.

He shrugged nonchalantly. "No one."

"You know I know you better than anyone," She said, "so, just tell me."

Kendall scowled. "I'm not looking for anyone."

She rolled her eyes. "I'll find out eventually."

He just scowled some more but this time he turned to look at the entrance but just as he suspected, James never came. He doesn't know why he thought this year would be different. Why would he just randomly come into the caf when he hasn't in the past 3 years? He spent the rest of the day looking for the brunet and hoping they had at least one more class together, but nothing. He didn't see James after Home Ec.

He tried to shake off the disappointment as he drove home.


	2. Chapter 2

_Anonymous Rabbit_, kendall does start to worry about his social status on the food chain. it actually becomes one of the main things they both have to deal with.

**thank you to every one of you who reviewed, favourited, and alerted. i only keep going because of you guys :))**

im actually really iffy about this chapter but it was the best i could do.

it's also pretty short so sorry about that! but the chapters will get longer as it progresses.

* * *

Kendall was looking forward to Wednesday. He was _actually_ looking forward to school.

Hell has officially frozen over.

He wasn't going to lie; he was excited to see James, to see those brown, or was it hazel eyes? He couldn't remember. James looked at him for all of 3 seconds before staring down at his hands.

When Wednesday came he was like a child on Christmas morning and Katie noticed.

"Why are you so happy?" His little sister asked.

Kendall shrugged. "I like Wednesdays."

She shot him a strange look but didn't respond after that. After eating breakfast he headed to school and walked to his Home Ec room.

The second he laid eyes on James, though, the giddy feeling immediately evaporated.

The brunet had a purple eye. He also wasn't wearing his glasses. The blond's swallowed thickly, his blood going cold. He had a feeling it was his teammates. I mean, who else had the balls to actually touch James?

The hockey team did. They bullied everyone who was 'underneath' them to make themselves feel better. It was one of the turn offs of being on this hockey team because along with the uniform came the 'status'. Kendall was also viewed as the assholes who made people cry. Only he wasn't. He's never even looked at anyone in the wrong way.

He looked at the brunet and winced. James didn't do anything to deserve this. He wanted to give all of them a black eye the same way they did with James. But he couldn't do anything if he wanted to be captain.

He couldn't jeopardize his future, especially for a guy he _barely _even knew.

He felt like such an ass for even thinking like that.

"Is your eye okay?" He asked softly.

James didn't look at him but he did nod. Kendall wanted to ask more and also apologize on the team's behalf, though, he knew for a fact that those dimwits weren't sorry at all but was interrupted when Ms. Cuddy opened her big ass mouth.

"Your first assignment is due a week from today." She explained. "It can be whatever you want it to be as long as no one is allergic because we'll be eating it after you make it in front of the class."

She spoke more about it and then asked the entire class what they were allergic to. Kendall said he wasn't allergic to anything but James didn't say anything. He figured James wasn't allergic to anything when he realized the boy didn't talk much. He always kept his head down and was always fidgeting with his fingers or nervously pushing his glasses up. Maybe he was ashamed of his stuttering problem but Kendall thought it was cute.

He spun his chair around to glance at James but it turned into a full on stare. He couldn't help it. The brunet was fucking breathtaking. This was the first time they've ever been so close and Kendall was going to take advantage of that. He wanted to reach out and stroke James's cheek and trace the outline of his jaw.

He wanted to _touch _James more than anything but right now he was going to have to settle for just staring. He couldn't scare James off more than he already was.

But his eyes, oh, his eyes. Those gorgeous hazel eyes were frighteningly empty. Kendall wanted to see James' eyes light up. He wanted to see James smile.

He wanted to see James happy. _He _wanted to be the one to make James happy. It killed Kendall that he didn't even have smile lines and the brunet's hallow eyes made him uneasy.

He just wanted the stupid class to end so he could ask James if he really was okay.

But when class did end, James was the first person out of there. Kendall tried to run after him but by the time he made it into the hall, James was long gone.

* * *

When he got to the hockey rink for practice he heard some of the guys gloating about giving James a black eye. His fingers curled into fists and his jaw clenched.

He skated out onto the rink and glared at all of his teammates.

"You guys think it's funny to beat the crap out of someone who can't defend themselves?" He asked.

"You should have seen the fag's face." One of them said. "You would have thought it was pretty hilarious if you did."

Their captain, Jett, emerged from behind the bleachers and skated right into Kendall. Their faces now only inches apart.

"You have a problem, Knight?" He asked.

Kendall didn't say anything. He just glared.

"Because if you do, you can forget about becoming captain."

"No," Kendall answered tightly, "I don't have a problem."

"Good because you're going to prank the fag." Jett smirked.

The blond's face drained of colour. "You can't make me do anything."

"No, I can't but I can give your captain position to someone else."

"You can't do that!"

Jett's smirk just widened. "You have until the end of practice to make up your mind."

"You don't even go here anymore!"

Jett just shrugged and told everyone to start practice.

Kendall wanted to punch him. He couldn't prank James. The thought of that just made his stomach curl. But at the same time he couldn't give up being captain. He _had _to be captain if he wanted to get a scholarship and play for the Leafs.

It was only the first week and already his life was hell.

_It's okay. I'll just think of something during practice. I can do both_.

But he didn't think of anything because when practice was over all his teammates and Jett were standing there, waiting for his answer.

He swallowed.

"So, Knight, what's it gonna be?" Jett's smile was smug and Kendall had the urge to wipe it off his face.

He didn't respond.

"Guys, c'mon. James doesn't deserve whatever you have planned." Someone said from the back.

"Shut it, Marc!" Jett snapped. "Kendall, we don't have all fucking day."

_I'm sorry, James._

"I'll prank the kid." He finally said.

"Good," Jett smiled, "I'll text you what you have to do and when."

When his teammates where all gone he punched the wall, causing his knuckles to bleed. He was trying to get close to James. He wanted to be friends, well more than friends, really, but he couldn't do that now. Whatever Jett wants him to do; he knows James will never forgive him for it. He wished there was some way he could get out of this.

He quickly changed out of his uniform and drove over to Alex's place. She opened the door for him and raised her eyebrows.

"What's wrong?" She asked, letting him inside.

"The team wants me to prank James in order for me to become captain."

"James Diamond?"

Kendall nodded. "I can't do that. James already looks like he hates his life and we're _partners_."

_And I'll never be able to live with myself if I hurt him. I'll never forgive myself for ruining our chances at something, whatever it may be. Whether it's friends or something more. I can't do that do him._

"So don't do it." Alex said like it was the most obvious answer.

"I can't be captain if I don't do it!"

"But you'll still be on the team, right?"

"You of all people know how much it means for me to become captain!"

"I know." Alex said softly. "But are you willing to hurt someone for it?"

Kendall sighed miserably and his shoulders slumped. "I don't know."

"Kendall, are you staying for dinner?" Alex's mom called from the kitchen.

"No thanks, Mrs. Sterling!" He yelled out then looked at Alex. "I'm gonna head home. Hopefully by then I'll figure something out."

Alex smiled sympathetically and nodded. Kendall gave her a hug and left her house. He got into his car and drove to the park to contemplate whatever the fuck happened today.

He _knows_ he and James could be something great but that's never going to happen if he listens to Jett. The dumbass didn't exactly make you do things to people that were forgivable. It was a goddamn miracle how he even had any friends.

He could just tell Jett no. But he couldn't let his dad down.

_Who's more important? James or your dead dad?_

He didn't even know James. How could he just give up his dad's dream for someone he barely spoke to? He's never been more conflicted in his entire life.

His phone beeped with a new email. Since when does he actually get emails? He looked at the address and was confused for a second when he remembered James' last name was Diamond.

**We should get started on the Home Ec assignment. I was thinking we could bake cheesecake cookies. Do you mind if we do it at your place?**

**-James Diamond**

Cheesecake cookies? That sounded divine. Assuming his mom wouldn't mind James coming over for a project he emailed back.

**My moms cool w/it. U can come whenever**

**-Kendizzle**

Kendizzle. He laughed. He hadn't called himself that since elementary. He immediately got an email back.

**We can do it tomorrow after school. **

Kendall sighed, already feeling guilty and like utter shit.

He should ask his mom. Yes, that's what he should do. No, that isn't what he should do because his mom would tell him to give up being captain and befriend James. He wasn't even _friends_ with this guy yet and already he was debating giving up hockey for him.

He wanted to scream.

James was having such a huge impact on him without even saying two words to the blond.

What's going to happen when they do actually become friends?

He's going to go insane.

* * *

yeah i dont really like this chapter but the others will be better.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kames all the way_, akjsdhf aw thank you. but yes i will have punched kendall in the face as well if he does what jett wants him to do.

_Anonynous Rabbit_, yeah, ive read a lot of fics where kendall's dad is a homophobic asshole but he's not in this story. we find out more about him later on.

i just want to point out that this is a slow moving fic so please bear with james. he's not comfortable around people, especially around attractive people like kendall. he needs some time to get to know kendall before opening up so there really isnt much conversation between them for a couple of chapters.

im sorryyyyy about that, though. i also want them to get together already lol.

thank you to everyone who reviewed, favourited, and alerted! :D

**Warnings:** there's a bit of talk about suicide, an attempt at it and also self-harm. also, this fic has more angst and tears than it does smiles.

* * *

"I have decided your fate." Jett said to Kendall the next day.

Kendall didn't understand how he was even allowed in the school. Jett had graduated last year, why the fuck didn't he just get lost already? How did Jett have control over who became captain anyway? Kendall had to speak to the principle and the coach about this bullshit.

"You're going to ask Diamond out and then ditch him in the middle of the date." Jett smirked.

Kendall's eyes shot up, his face heating up and his throat going completely dry. He suddenly found it hard to breathe. Asking James out was one thing but just leaving him there? He couldn't do that. Not to James, not to anyone.

"I—I'm not g—gay." The blond stuttered.

Jett raised his eyebrows. "You don't have to be."

"That's low, Jett." Kendall spat out. "Even for you."

Jett shrugged. "You have all the time you want but the sooner you ask him out the sooner you become captain."

Jett left the room and his stupid little posse of minions followed him. Kendall ran a hand through his hair and silently hoped someone would just tell him what to do. He didn't want to hurt James but at the same time he wanted to be captain so, so badly. He's wanted to be captain since fucking middle school.

"You know you can just tell Jett to fuck himself, right?" His only teammate that was left said.

Kendall looked at him. "I know but…"

"You want to be captain." Marc finished for him. "I know, we all do and we all _want _you to be captain."

"What am I supposed to do?" Kendall asked miserably.

"Tell him to fuck off and talk to the coach because technically, Jett has no real say on who gets to be what."

"Then why the fuck is he still here?"

Marc shrugged. "Who knows and honestly? Who gives a shit? But good luck."

He patted Kendall's shoulder on his way out. Marc was right. What say did Jett have over who gets to be captain? He didn't. The blond felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. He finally let out a breath and packed up his things. He was taking his sweet time walking to his car when he remembered that James was coming over.

"Fuck!" He yelled and ran toward his car.

When he got home there was a note on the fridge.

Katie and I went grocery shopping. We'll be back before dinner.

- Love Mom.

Kendall rushed upstairs and took a quick shower. Once he was out he changed into some decent clothes and went to stand in the living room. He took in a few deep breaths and stared at the door. He was not ready for this. He was not ready to be alone in a room with James. He was going to combust. He couldn't do this. He was so nervous he could feel his palms getting all sweaty and disgusting. He was anxious and afraid he was going to puke his insides out. He wasn't even this nervous when he was trying out for peewee hockey. He silently thanked god that his mom and Katie weren't there. They didn't need to see Kendall like this. Especially considering the blond wasn't even out. How would he explain being nervous over a _guy_?

The doorbell rang and Kendall jumped.

There was nothing to be nervous about. They were two guys and all they're going to be doing is baking something. No big deal.

But when his hand reached for the doorknob it was shaking. He took a few deep breaths in and out before working up the nerve to actually _open_ the door instead of just staring at it blankly.

"He's just a guy." He told himself. "I'm a guy. We're just guys. I can do this."

The second he opened the door, his breath was taken away. James' hair was lazily hanging in front of his face and he was in sweatpants and a hoodie. He smiled shyly and pushed his glasses up on his nose. Kendall was absolutely floored.

James was gorgeous.

"H—H—H—Hi." James stuttered out.

He was fucking perfect which is exactly why Kendall couldn't do what Jett wanted. He couldn't betray a guy like James. The brunet would be crushed, and so would Kendall. He wouldn't live with himself if he did something like that to someone like James.

The blond smiled fondly. "Hey."

He stepped aside to let the brunet in and closed the door behind them. James followed Kendall into the kitchen and the brunet fished through his backpack until he retrieved a tiny chalkboard and chalk. The blond frowned as James started to write on it. Once he was done he handed it to Kendall. The blond slowly took it.

**Is it okay if we bake the cheesecake cookies?**

"Sure, but why are you asking me that on a chalkboard?" He asked, looking up at James but the brunet was staring down at his hands.

James took the chalkboard back and erased what he wrote before writing something else.

**Because it bothers people when I stutter and I don't want it to annoy you.**

That nearly tore Kendall's heart apart. He wanted to cry. He hates to think what this boy goes through every day because of his stuttering problem. He also wanted to sock everyone who had a problem with James stuttering. It's not like it's the brunet's fault he does it.

"I don't mind you stuttering." Kendall said softly, almost choking on his own words. "But we can communicate through the chalkboard if you want. It's kinda cool actually. I haven't used this since like grade 1."

"Th—th—th—thanks."

Kendall took the eraser and chalk from James and wrote something down. He held it up for James to see.

**Let's get baking! :)**

James' face lit up, his smile melting the blond's heart. Kendall felt his knees buckle underneath him. He wanted to see this. He wanted James to smile and laugh. He wanted to see James' bright hazel eyes looking at him like that.

Kendall put the chalkboard down and put on an apron, handing one to James as well. They took out a few pots and pans and started baking. James rolled up his sleeves and when Kendall looked down to pick up a spoon, he caught a glimpse of James' wrist which had cuts all over them. Not even one wrist, but both of them. The blond wished he was surprised to see this but he wasn't. He knew James was going through shit at school, he just hoped it wasn't as serious.

But it was.

And James was cutting himself because of it. Kendall's heart ached.

He wanted to reach out and hug James until he couldn't breathe. He wanted to tell James that he doesn't have to cut anymore, that he shouldn't. But instead of saying or doing anything, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and pretended he didn't see the cuts and went back to what he was doing before.

James took out a recipe but halfway through baking it got lost in all the ingredients spilling over the counters. They baked in silence even though Kendall wanted to talk. He wanted to talk to James so badly but he was afraid. He knew James was still uncomfortable around him and he didn't want to mess up his chance of getting closer to the brunet. He wanted things to go smoothly so James was comfortable enough to look Kendall in the eye and maybe even joke around with him, maybe even stop cutting if Kendall asked him to.

At least the silence wasn't awkward.

By the time they were done they were both covered in flour and the kitchen was a mess. Kendall knew he was going to get in trouble and he knew he would have to clean up the entire kitchen by himself but it was worth it to see James smile for even a second. Kendall took out the baked good from the oven and just stared at it. It was burned.

"We're gonna have to try this again." Kendall said slowly.

"What did you guys do!?" Katie yelled, walking into the kitchen.

James' smile immediately faltered and his entire body went stiff as Kendall's mom walked in. He rolled down his sleeves and stared down at his feet. Jennifer's eyes widened but she didn't look surprised in the least.

"You two are not going anywhere until you clean this mess up." She said.

Kendall noticed the way James flinched. He put the burned cookies in the sink and introduced James to his family.

"Mom, Katie, this is James, my Home Ec partner."

James was staring at the ground as he said, "W—W—W—we're s—s—sorry about the m—m—m—mess, M—M—Mrs. Kn—n—ight."

James' tense and uncomfortable vibe was practically radiating off on all of them so Kendall took his apron off and also helped take James take his apron off.

"Hey, mom, it's late. James should get going." He said. "I'll clean up the kitchen myself."

James shook his head. "N—n—no, K—Kend—a—all. It's m—my f—f—fault too. I'll h—h—help."

Kendall put a gentle hand on his arm. "It's okay, James. You can help the next time we mess up the kitchen."

The brunet looked at Jennifer, as if he was asking permission to leave.

She smiled warmly. "Don't worry about it, honey. Kendall has it covered."

James looked at Kendall and nodded. "O—o—okay."

"Do you need a ride?" Jennifer asked.

The brunet shook his head. "I h—h—have a ca—ar. N—n—n—nice to m—meet you, M—M—M—Mrs. Knight."

He stuffed his things into his bag and left the room before Kendall could even walk him to the door.

"Is it just me or did he get really uncomfortable when mom walked in?" Katie asked once they all heard the door close softly behind James.

"Yeah, I noticed that too." Kendall said quietly.

After cleaning up the kitchen, Kendall locked himself in his room. There was no way he was going to do what Jett wanted. Not after seeing James today, not after seeing James smile, and especially not after seeing those cuts. He was not going to makes James' life worse and give him another reason to harm himself. Jett could go fuck himself.

* * *

The next day before school started Kendall ran into his coach's office. His coach looked worn out and miserable.

Maybe he should come back.

"What do you want, Knight?" He bellowed.

_Too loud, too loud for 7 in the morning_. He stepped inside and smiled nervously.

"I want to be captain." He said.

His coach just stared at him blankly. "Okay, and?"

"And Jett won't let me be captain!"

"Jett Stetson?" Coach asked. "He's _still_ here?"

Kendall didn't say anything, just waited for Coach to tell him if he would be captain or not.

"Have the team vote for captain at practice." Coach said. "I'll deal with Stetson."

Kendall's face broke out into a huge smile. "Thank you!"

"Yeah, yeah."

The blond skipped out of his office and skipped towards his locker. Things were starting to look up. But he didn't understand why he wanted to tell James the good news. The first person he usually thought to tell was Alex but Alex didn't even cross his mind the last few days. The only person he wanted to talk to was James. The only person he wanted to tell his secrets and events of the day were to James.

He looked up and an involuntary smile formed on his face. James was sitting down against a locker, his nose buried in a book. His glasses were slowly falling off his nose but the brunet was so absorbed in the book he probably didn't even realize. The brunet looked so calm and not like he was afraid someone was going to come out of nowhere and punch him. He was in his comfort zone and Kendall found himself mesmerized by the scene. He stopped in his tracks and watched the brunet. He watched the way James brushed his hair out of his eyes and the way he smiled softly at what he was reading. He watched the way James was just so absorbed and so _content_. It made Kendall's heart go all warm.

He could stare at James for all of eternity.

And wanted to do just that but he was suddenly snapped out of his trance of staring at James when students started piling in.

Kendall frowned. He didn't even get a chance to say hi to the brunet. He made his way to where James was sitting but he was no longer there.

_It's only the first week_. He told himself. _There will be plenty of chances for me to talk to him. And we're partners. We have to talk at least twice a week._

He was trying to convince himself that he and James would eventually become friends one day but he wasn't doing a very good job of it. He didn't know if they would be anything. He didn't know if James even liked him. He was always so nervous around Kendall. It was obvious the blond made James uncomfortable. What Kendall didn't understand was _why_ he made James uncomfortable. He didn't do anything to the brunet except for try to get closer to him. The blond sighed and made his way to his English class.

_If there is some sort of higher power, they will help me get James._


	4. Chapter 4

_Cookie Monster Giggles_, he can't think straight when james is involved ;)

_Anonymous Rabbit_, the captain situation actually wasnt easy for me to figure out. i was conflicted and i spent an entire day thinking about it. yes, i will go into james' background and history.

_Kames all the way_, stop, you're making me blush. akjsdhf

you guys have no idea how badly i wanted kendall to go through with the 'prank'. i was so, so close to incorporating it but then i thought of james and i felt kinda bad.

those of you who think james is going to die or something; he's not. i would have put 'major character death' as a warning. i dont have the heart to kill anyone in my stories tbh (right on track is an exception).

thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted and favourited! :D

enjoyyyy!

* * *

Kendall _finally _became captain and Jett couldn't do shit about it. He also got his teammates to promise to never bother anyone ever again, especially James. He was surprised they listened but he wasn't getting his hopes up. They could go back on their word and do twice as much the damage than before. But what cheered him up was that James was coming over again. Seeing him at school didn't do much because they barely spoke in public. James was always disappearing but when he came over, it was just him and James. They were going to be alone and it made Kendall's stomach get insane butterflies just thinking about it.

This time James was wearing jeans. Jeans that were tight on him. Kendall almost choked on air when he opened the door. He tried to breathe as he stepped aside to let James in. They went into the kitchen for attempt number 2 at baking when James took out his chalkboard.

**You look very happy today.**

The blond beamed. "I'm finally captain!"

_I also got the assholes to leave you alone._

The light in James' eyes seemed to go out but a tiny smile formed on his lips.

**That's great. I'm happy for you, Kendall.**

But he wasn't happy for the blond and Kendall could tell. Kendall was sure that James knew he was on the hockey team so he didn't exactly understand why James was sad that he made captain. Or he probably thought that now that Kendall was the captain he would also start treating James like shit or just stop hanging out with him altogether. Not that they _actually _hung out unless you call baking cookies in Kendall's house hanging out.

He grabbed a handful of flour and threw it at James' face to try and lighten up the mood and to show James that he wasn't planning on treating him the way his teammates had. The brunet's mouth fell open as he wiped away the flour from his glasses. It looked like he wanted to retaliate but decided not to. Instead he wrote on his chalkboard.

**I don't want your mom getting mad like the last time.**

"She won't get mad, don't worry about it."

James shook his head.

"Aw, c'mon. I want to kick your ass in a major flour fight." Kendall prodded.

**You wouldn't win.**

Kendall laughed. "Yeah, well, let's see then."

**Our assignment is due tomorrow. Let's try and get it right this time.**

The blond looked James in the eye and pouted. Maybe the eyes will work on James, even if it doesn't work on his mom anymore. James just stared back at him.

"I'm assuming puppy dog eyes don't work on you." Kendall said.

James shook his head. This time the blond sighed dramatically and they started to bake but instead of working in silence, Kendall tried initiating conversation.

"Do you have any hobbies?" He asked.

"I—I like to r—r—r—re—e—ead."

"What kind of books?"

"A—a—all of th—th—th—them."

"Even science fiction books?"

James just shrugged. "I—I—I like to—o—o—o rea—a—a—ad everyth—th—th—thing."

Kendall wished he liked to read because seeing James the other day made him realize that James was escaping reality by getting immersed in a world that he didn't live in. And Kendall could definitely use a break from the real world sometimes. But he didn't really like reading. The only thing he actually liked to read were hockey magazines.

"What do you want to do after you graduate?"

"G—g—go to univers—i—i—t—y—y."

"Do you know which one you want to go to?"

"U—U—U—niveristy of—f—f T—T—T—oronto."

"Nice! Maybe we'll bump into each other." Kendall grinned, gently nudging the brunet. "I want to play for the Maple Leafs. Do you like hockey?"

"I w—w—watch it when I ca—n—n."

Man, was James perfection or what? Not only was he gorgeous _and_ smart but he liked hockey also? Kendall was definitely starting to like him more and more. He'll be damned if they aren't friends before they graduate. He was going to need a familiar face when he moved to Toronto.

Kendall asked a few more questions and James answered them. He was finally opening up and halfway through their baking session James threw flour into Kendall's face.

The blond gaped. "This means war, Diamond!"

"B—b—b—ring it!" James said, his lips slowly tugging upwards.

Kendall's heart went warm all over.

When their flour fight was over, the kitchen was an even bigger mess than the last time. They started to clean it up and occasionally making comments at each other. They were almost done when Katie and Jennifer walked in. Kendall looked at James, but this time his smile only faltered slightly. This time instead of scolding them because of the mess Jennifer asked James if he wanted to stay for dinner.

"T—thank y—y—you for the o—f—ffer b—b—but I have to g—g—et goin—g—g—g."

"Are you sure?" Kendall asked, a little too hopefully.

"I'm making homemade pizza!" Jennifer said.

"Our mom's pizza is amazing!" Katie exclaimed. "If you want to taste heaven you should stay."

James looked at them. He looked conflicted, like he wanted to stay but knew that he wasn't allowed too and Kendall's mom noticed.

"Is it your parents?" She asked softly. "I can call them and ask if it's alright."

James frantically shook his head. "I—I—I guess I c—c—can sta—a—a—y."

"Great!" Jennifer smiled. "Who wants to help?"

Katie ran into her room and Kendall ran into the living room. The blond waited for James to join him, except he didn't. He heard James offer to help his mom and even though his mom coaxed him into going to the living room and watching TV, the brunet insisted on helping. Kendall shrugged and threw himself onto the couch. He was texting Alex when he heard James laugh. He dropped his phone as his heart skipped a beat. The brunet's laugh was absolutely melodious. He didn't even know that James knew _how_ to laugh. He stood up and peeked into the kitchen.

James had taken his sweater off and his biceps were bulging through his t-shirt. Kendall swallowed. He knew James was fit but not _this _fit. If he worked out some more he would probably look like the white version of The Rock. But what caught his attention even more was the smile on James' face. It was bright and full of life. It was unlike anything Kendall had ever seen. He never really understood the expression of 'their smile brightens up the entire room' until this very moment. James' smile really _did_ brighten up the entire room. It was radiant and beautiful and it made Kendall deliriously happy.

This was the first time James was in his comfort zone, apart from the time when James was in the hallway. But that didn't count because he was alone. With Jennifer he wasn't tense or keeping his distance from her. It was like his walls were going down, the walls he so desperately wanted to keep up.

He was finally opening up and it kind of hurt that it was his mom instead of Kendall himself but the blond shoved that feeling down. What mattered was that his walls were coming down, regardless of who tore them down.

Kendall hid behind the door for the remainder of the time and watched James help his mom cook. He could really get used to this, to seeing James smile, and to see James' muscles bulging out of his t-shirt. He could definitely stare at that all day long.

"Kendall, stop staring and help James set the table." His mother said without even bothering to look around.

Kendall's eyes widened just as James looked up. Their eyes met and the blond blushed furiously. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and was about to tell his mom he wasn't staring when James smiled at him. Kendall's heart stopped.

James was smiling.

James was smiling _at him_.

He could hear angels singing.

Kendall walked toward James and took the plates from him, their fingers brushing. James looked down at their hands and blushed, his smile widening. Kendall grinned.

Maybe this year wasn't going to be so bad after all.

Kendall looked down and saw fresh new cuts on James' wrist. That sliced his heart open. He wished it didn't have such an impact on him but it _did_ and it killed him that James was hurting. He wanted to take all of James' pain away and shelter him from the harsh world.

He reached out and softly traced the cut lines with his free hand. James stiffened before shoving the plates at Kendall, snatching his hand away and throwing on his sweater. Kendall watched him but James couldn't look him in the eye. He kept his stiffened back turned to Kendall.

The blond bit his lip, his stomach churning with guilt. He shouldn't have done that. Now James was going to be even more distant and uncomfortable around him.

_Way to go, Knight._

He groaned and went to set the table.

"Want to hear some juicy secrets about Kendall?" Katie asked once they were all seated.

"Sure." James grinned.

Kendall's heart started beating rapidly. Not because he was afraid of what Katie was going to tell James but because of the fact that the brunet didn't stutter and he _grinned_. He looked so at home it made Kendall's heart swell.

The blond spent the entire dinner staring at James while Katie and his mom told embarrassing stories about him. He didn't care. He would stab himself in the leg if it made James laugh like that.

After dinner James lingered in the kitchen whilst Kendall washed the dishes.

"You didn't stutter once at the dinner table." Kendall said.

James was looking around the room when he froze. The blond was afraid he said the wrong thing. Maybe he was sensitive about that kind of thing. Of course he was sensitive about that kind of thing. People at school tease him about his stuttering, why would he be okay with Kendall asking about it?

_Dammit, Kendall. He's going to hate you now._

"I only stutter when I'm nervous." James replied quietly.

"But you've been stuttering around me." Kendall said, feeling confused.

The brunet looked down at his hands, suddenly embarrassed.

"Y—y—you m—a—a—ke me n—nervous." He said, still staring down at his hands.

The plate Kendall was rinsing off fell into the sink with a loud crash. He made James nervous. He made James nervous! So, it wasn't one-sided. The butterflies in his stomach were having a fucking rave right now and he starting breathing heavily. He swallowed thickly.

"You make me nervous too." Kendall confessed.

James' head snapped upwards. "R—r—r—eally?"

The blond nodded and just like that there was no distance between them. James was looking down at Kendall and their lips were inches apart. Kendall's heart was beating so fast in his chest that he was afraid it was going to pop out somehow. He stood up on his toes but the second their lips brushed faintly against each other, James flinched away.

"I—I—I sho—o—ould get g—g—g—going." He grabbed his backpack and made a beeline for the living room.

Kendall stood there, staring at his retreating back, his heart still beating faster than it ever has before.

* * *

James got into his car and swallowed. He couldn't breathe. He felt like he was suffocating. He needed to get out of here. He put his car into ignition and drove to a park near Kendall's place. The blond had seen his cuts. How could he be so carelessly stupid? How in the world could he forget that he had cuts on his wrist? He cut himself almost every night, how did he forget that he was bleeding just a few nights ago? How could he let Kendall see that side of him?

He tightly shut his eyes, mentally yelling at himself.

He didn't necessarily care if anyone knew that he harmed himself but Kendall wasn't just anyone. Kendall was the guy he had a crush on since the first hockey game he went to (that Carlos dragged him to). Kendall was the captain of the hockey team. Kendall was the type of guy you brought home to your parents. And even though Kendall was on the hockey team and everyone thought he was an asshole like his teammates, James _knew_ in his gut that Kendall wasn't like that. Kendall was _nice_ and James wanted to be friends with him more than anything. But now that Kendall saw James' wrists, the chances of that happening were slim.

Everyone who saw James' cuts took pity on him. They all felt bad for him and no one wanted to be friends with a suicidal loser. The last person he wanted to feel sorry for him was Kendall. But that was inevitable.

He cursed incoherently under his breath.

He never for a second thought that he and Kendall would even be friends, let alone be romantically involved but after tonight, after seeing the look in Kendall's eyes when he saw James' cuts, he felt his heart ache. But he didn't understand why Kendall would be into someone like him. He wasn't popular, he didn't have any friends, and he wasn't even remotely good looking whereas Kendall was gorgeous, popular, and he could get anyone he wanted with the snap of his fingers.

_You're imagining it, James. He doesn't want you, no one does_.

He wasn't imagining that almost kiss though. He was about to kiss Kendall Knight and just as their lips touched, something in James' head clicked. What was he doing thinking he could kiss Kendall flipping Knight? Their 'relationship' was already awkward and tense; he didn't need to add to that. He knew that if he had let Kendall kiss him, his days at high school would never be the same. He would fall even harder and it would be dreadful seeing Kendall in the halls, knowing that he couldn't speak to the blond without getting bullied.

James getting bullied was one thing but bringing Kendall into his world?

That was something he wasn't willing to do.

He drove home and just sat in his car, mentally preparing himself for his punishment. He didn't tell his mother he was going to be staying at Kendall's for dinner. He didn't even tell her that he was going out. James didn't understand why she even cared. She barely spoke to him and never bothered to make eye contact with him. It baffled his mind that she would care where he was or what he was doing.

The second he opened the door she was in his face.

"Where were you?" Brooke snapped.

James flinched. He stared down at his hands but didn't say anything.

"Answer me, James!"

"What do you care?" He muttered.

"Excuse me?"

He looked up at her and sneered, "I said what do you care."

A hand hit his cheek with a loud smack. He bit down on his tongue to keep himself from crying out in pain and continued to stare down at the ground. He tried to swallow back the tears that he could feel coming.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that." She said through her teeth.

"Yes ma'am." He answered, knowing that if he refused he would get a much harsher punishment.

"Go to your room." She ordered. "I don't want to see your face."

James nodded and bounded up the stairs to his room. He closed the door softly even though he wanted to slam it shut. He threw his backpack onto his bed and quietly climbed out of his bedroom window. He walked down the ladder and walked to the cemetery. He found his grandmother's grave and sat down in front of it. He opened his mouth to talk to her but nothing came out. He just stared down at her name and wished she could come back. She was the only person who understood him. She was the only person apart from Carlos that accepted him for who he was. But they weren't with him anymore. His grandmother was in heaven and Carlos moved halfway across the country, leaving James with a witch and a school full of pricks.

God, what he would do to have them back in his life.

He still had Carlos but it wasn't the same. He didn't get to sit next to Carlos during lunch. He didn't get to watch hockey games and stuff his face with Carlos.

His life just crumbled after his best friend moved.

"Hey," someone said softly.

James wiped away the tears that had flowed down his face and looked up. It was the girl he met in the cemetery a couple of weeks ago. She was also the only person he's met that he hasn't stuttered around. It was odd. He usually got really nervous when meeting a new person and he wouldn't even be able to string two words together but with her it was different. For some weird reason he was comfortable around her.

"Hi." James said, smiling sadly.

She took a seat next to him. "You okay?"

James nodded. "I will be."

"I'm here to listen if you want to vent." She offered.

"Thanks, Jonah, but I think I can cope."

"Well, is it okay if I vent?"

James smiled. "Don't except me to give you advice or anything."

Jonah laughed but it died as soon as it came.

"I just need vent to someone." She said quietly. "Whether you listen or not, I need to get it off my chest."

James nodded, knowing what that felt like. There was so much he wanted to get off his chest but there's never been anyone to listen to him. There was Carlos but he moved and talking about his problems via Skype wasn't exactly the same thing as talking face to face. He wouldn't have the courage to tell Carlos he harms himself, anyway. He didn't have the courage to tell anyone. Not that anyone was listening.

He spent the next 2 hours listening to Jonah rant on about her problems and somehow it calmed James down. He didn't think about his mom or Kendall or anything. He just listened to Jonah, escaping from his own problems, from his own reality.

He wished he could do that often.


	5. Chapter 5

TwinkLoverXO, ajkdhf aw, im glad you like it!

thanks to everyone who reviewed, alerted, and favourited (though i honestly cant remember if anyone did)!

this chapter wasn't supposed to be this long lol oops.

enjoyyyyy!

* * *

They were getting ready to present their food and Kendall could feel James' nervous energy. He was shaking slightly. Kendall whispered a few encouraging words into his ear but that didn't stop James from shaking. He wanted to grab James' hand and hold it until he stopped shaking but he couldn't do that with everyone staring. He took a tiny step closer to the brunet and let his fingers brush against James'. He softly rubbed their fingers together, letting James know that he was there and that he was going to be fine. He had nothing to be nervous about.

James froze when their fingers touched and Kendall could feel the brunet about to step away so he wrapped his pinky finger around James' pinky. He squeezed it lightly and didn't let go until James stopped shaking.

"W—w—we decid—e—ed to m—m—make che—e—esecake c—c—c—cookies." James started off.

A girl in the front sighed. "Can Kendall do all the talking? I mean who wants to listen to James stutter for the next hour?"

James' face fell and his eyes instantly found the table in front of them interesting. The blond wanted to punch the girl in the face.

Kendall glared at her. "That was rude."

"It's annoying." The girl said, rolling her eyes.

"Angela! Office, now!" Ms. Cuddy snapped.

The blonde flipped her hair and walked out of the room but not before shooting James a dirty look.

"Hey, don't listen to her." Kendall whispered. "You can speak all you want."

"You can continue." Ms. Cuddy said.

"Y—y—you ta—a—alk, K—K—K—K—Kendall." James said quietly.

The rest of the presentation was Kendall talking and James baking. Kendall stopped a few times to let James continue but the brunet didn't make a sound. He kept his head down the entire time and avoided eye contact with everybody, even Kendall. Immediately after the presentation James went back to 'quiet and avoiding everyone' mode. He didn't speak to Kendall, didn't even look at him. During Home Ec James would keep his head down so he wouldn't have to acknowledge Kendall's presence and every time the blond would make conversation James would say that the teacher is talking. And the second the bell would ring, James would sprint out of his seat and be gone. Kendall was always left staring at his back with an empty feeling in his chest.

* * *

"I thought James and I were friends but he's been ignoring me." Kendall told Alex at lunch. "He won't even look at me."

_I thought we were more than friends. We _could _have been more than friends._

_Oh, yeah right. More than friends. What fantasy world are you living in? You barely even know the kid and he barely even knows you._

2 weeks later and James was still avoiding Kendall. Every time the blond tried to speak to him James would turn away or he would just nod or shake his head as his answer. It was driving Kendall crazy. He wanted to talk to James more than anything.

Alex shook her head. "You don't get it, do you? He doesn't want friends."

"That's ridiculous. Everyone wants friends."

"No," Alex said, "he's afraid of people. He had one friend who moved and after he left, James just gave up. He stopped living."

"How do you even know this?"

"Remember when I had to change schools in middle school?" Alex asked and Kendall nodded. "I ended up at his school. He had friends, more than one, but then he came out when we became freshman. His best friend was Carlos and he was forced to move to New York. And all his friends just…ditched him."

Kendall's mouth fell open. "What?"

"That's why he doesn't want friends anymore. He's afraid they'll up and leave like his last friends did when he needed them the most."

Kendall wanted to punch something. How can you be friends with someone and then just not be friends with them because they were gay? That was fucking messed up.

Now more than anything Kendall wanted to be James' friend. Even if they couldn't be something more, James needed at least one friend in his life.

Everyone did.

* * *

After the lunch he couldn't eat, Kendall headed to study hall where it was unsurprisingly empty. Except for one desk and sitting at it was James. The blond's heart picked up speed and his brain told him to go sit with him but his legs wouldn't budge. Since when did James have study hall? Now they have two periods together.

Kendall was already nervous just thinking about it. He played with the straps of his backpack until he worked up the courage to take a seat in front of the blond. He took a deep breath and sat down. James didn't even look up, just buried his nose even deeper into his book.

"Hi." Kendall said.

James looked up and his eyes widened a bit. Kendall was afraid James was going to get up and leave the table but the brunet didn't budge. He just sat there, frozen, staring into Kendall's eyes. The stare sent heat all throughout Kendall's body and he could feel his entire face turning red. How did James have this effect on him? No one's ever made him feel this nervous. No one's ever made him blush and turn into a fucking tomato.

"H—H—Hi." James finally responded.

"I thought we were friends." Kendall blurted out before he could stop himself.

James blinked. "W—w—w—what?"

The blond's fingers started fidgeting with his backpack. "It's just that I thought we were becoming friends but you just started to ignore me."

Wow, he sounded like a wounded 12 year old. What was with his inability to act his age around James? He wanted to smack himself. Why couldn't he just be _normal_ around James? Probably because he had a gigantic crush on the brunet. He groaned inwardly. He felt like a pre-teen girl.

James looked away from him. "W—what ga—a—a—ve you that i—d—d—dea?"

Kendall blinked. He felt like he was slapped. James was pretending that they weren't becoming friends, more than friends actually. He was pretending they didn't almost kiss. Did that mean nothing to him? Clearly it didn't when James refused to even acknowledge that Kendall was sitting in front of him sounding like a _child_ who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. Although Kendall was sure that this hurt more than not getting what he wanted for Christmas.

He was starting to rethink this whole 'become friends with James' thing when the brunet didn't even seem to want anything to do with Kendall.

James frantically packed up his things. "I h—h—have to g—g—g—go."

He left the room before Kendall could even blink.

Now, he was definitely rethinking speaking to James ever again. Forget being friends with him, Kendall couldn't even say two words that didn't make James want to run away. Kendall sighed and took out his books. If James didn't want anything to do with Kendall, he wasn't going to force anything on him.

Kendall was staring at his stupid math homework and trying to figure out what X was but he just wanted to stab himself with his pencil. What was the point of algebra? Whatever happened to just numbers? Why would they make it even more complicated by adding fucking letters into it?

"X i—i—i—is f—f—f—ive." James said quietly, sitting in front of him.

Kendall wrote it down. It's not like James was wrong. He _was_ a genius but Kendall didn't look up.

"I'm s—s—sorry about be—e—e—efore."

The blond shrugged. "Don't be sorry for what you feel."

"I—I—I don't need a fr—r—r—iend, Kendall." James said and quietly added, "Or an—n—nything more."

Kendall looked up and into James' eyes. "What if I do?"

"There a—a—are a l—l—lot of g—girls wh—h—ho wouldn't m—m—mind being with yo—o—o—ou." The brunet said, looking down at his hands.

"What if I want you and not them?" Kendall asked softly and immediately sucked in air.

Whatever compelled him to say that was also compelling him to go hide in a corner and never come out. What the hell happened to his filter? Why was he making a huge fool out of himself? He didn't want to look at James due to embarrassment but he _had_ to know what his reaction was. He _had_ to know if James felt the same or if Kendall had imagined the almost kiss in his kitchen. He needed to know if he even had a slight chance in being something great with the brunet.

He slowly looked up. James' eyes were wide and his lips parted into an 'O' shape and his face was going scarlet. But Kendall could tell in the way that James was breathing slowly and heavily that he _did_ feel the same. He wanted this as much as Kendall did. His gorgeous hazel eyes also gave it away. There was fear in them but mostly hope and want. There was want in those eyes. He wanted Kendall just as much as Kendall wanted him.

"Y—y—ou're not even ga—a—a—ay." James finally said.

"I became gay the second I laid eyes on you." Kendall joked.

James' eyes widened even bigger than Kendall had ever seen.

"It was a joke." The blond said quickly.

"I—I know. It was—s—s—n't funny."

"They get funnier once you get to know me." Kendall winked.

James tried to supress a smile but failed miserably. "You m—mean I'll just l—l—laugh be—e—ecause I will like you a—a—and th—th—that's what b—b—boyfriends do."

Kendall's heart stopped in his chest and his smile fell off his face.

"Is that a yes?" He breathed.

"T—t—t—t—to what?"

"Giving us a chance?"

James' smile faltered as well and he opened his mouth but the bell rang. Kendall saw relief wash over James' features and it made the blond's heart sink. That was not the kind of reaction he was going for.

"B—bye." James said and was gone.

"Yeah…Bye." Kendall said quietly, staring at the doors James walked out of.

Well, Kendall definitely got the answers he needed.

* * *

The first thing James did when he got home was turn his computer on and Skype Carlos. He would have texted his best friend but he didn't have a phone so he had to wait until he got home.

"There's a boy." James said the second Carlos popped up onto his screen, not giving the Latino a chance to say hello.

"You like someone?!" Carlos asked excitedly.

"Kind of. Remember Kendall Knight?"

"You mean the only person on the entire team who _actually_ scored?"

"Yeah," James nodded, "him."

"Is he even gay?"

"He asked if we could be something and I kinda said…no."

"If you like him why would you say no?" Carlos asked.

James shrugged. "I don't want to bring him into my life? To see how my mom treats me and how my life is beyond fucked up."

Carlos was the only one who knew about Brooke and how messed up his life really was. Carlos was the only one who knew _anything_ about James and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn't want to bring anyone else into his life and see how messed up it was. He didn't want Kendall to witness his scars from up close.

"Everyone's life is fucked up, James. Who knows what he's going through."

"He's not going through anything. He's captain of the team now. His mom and sister _adore_ him. He has this perfect little family. What could he possibly be going through?"

The Latino shrugged. "If you really like him just give him a chance."

"I don't know if I can do that." James said honestly. "I mean what if things just go to shit? Like everything else in my life has?"

"There's no guarantee that everything will go to shit."

"And there's no guarantee that it won't and plus, I come with a lot of baggage."

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Everyone has baggage whether it is small or big, whether it's visible or not; every single person in this world has baggage."

"But no one can handle my baggage."

"Oh, my god!" Carlos groaned. "If you like each other just give it a chance. It could turn out to be the best thing in your entire life."

"It could also turn out to be the worst."

"Didn't you say you needed a distraction from school and life?"

"Well, yeah, but—"

"No buts." Carlos interrupted. "If you don't want to date him at least become friends with him. That I know you could use."

"I have you." James said.

The Latino smiled sadly. "But I can't be there for you when you need me. Not physically anyway."

"That doesn't necessarily mean that he will be there for me."

Carlos gave him a flat look and said "I am not doing this with you. I'm leaving."

"No, Carlos, don't leave me!"

His best friend laughed, shaking his head. "Take care of yourself."

James nodded. "You too."

"I always do." Carlos winked at him and logged off.

James sighed, turned off his laptop and got ready for work. He didn't need to work; his dad sent him a check every month but he didn't want to take his dirty money. He also didn't need pocket money because what would he use it on? His mom paid for the bills and James had enough clothes that he didn't need to buy any new ones. He took this job because he needed an excuse to get out of his house. It was always so quiet and James being used to fights and screams didn't sit well with quiet. Being in his room was one thing but knowing that no one else was in the house with him made him antsy. The fact that their house was huge didn't help either. He was usually scared to be there alone for hours on end. He also took the job because he was saving up for college and even though his mom had all this money she didn't need he was afraid she wasn't going to give him any.

He went downstairs to eat his lunch and was on his way to the library. James loved working at the library, he would do it for free and he had asked his manager but he felt bad, said he couldn't have someone working for free. At least someone James knew (apart from Carlos and Kendall) who was capable of feeling. He walked inside and it was empty. He wasn't surprised. People rarely came in unless they needed wifi so James usually spent his days reading various books. He could spend hours and hours here. This was his home, not the place he had to sleep in.

He went into the comic book section and searched for the latest Marvel comic he hadn't gotten around to reading yet. When he found it he grabbed for it and went to go sit in those comfy little beanie chairs in the kid's section. He was told time and time again that that place was only for children and that if he wanted to stay there he would have to read to the children but he never listened to them. The beanie chair was the only comfortable chair in the entire library and he wasn't going to read in a hard wooden chair when he knew he was going to be reading for hours.

He opened the comic book but just as he read the first line he thought about Kendall and their conversation during study hall. Did Kendall mean it? Did he really want to 'be something' with James? When those words came out of Kendall's mouth James wanted to reach across the tale and kiss the living crap out of the blond but he refrained himself. And he was going to _keep_ refraining himself from doing stupid things like that because Kendall will eventually realize that James isn't his type and that he could do so much better.

Maybe Carlos was right, though. Maybe he did need to give Kendall a chance. What if Kendall ended up being the best thing that's ever happened to him? But then again, what if Kendall ended up getting bored with him, because James wasn't exactly a very interesting person, and just dumps him? James couldn't risk that. His heart had already been broken once; he couldn't go through that again.

"E—e—excuse m—e—e—e." A little voice stuttered, snapping James out of his thoughts.

It was a little boy about the age of 4 and he was nervously staring down at his hands. James looked at him in awe, his heart breaking. This was James when he was 4. Well, this was still James now, actually. His mind flooded with the flashbacks of pain he had to go through with his stuttering problem and he couldn't help but think that this little boy would go through it too. James sincerely hopes that the boy doesn't have to go through anything.

"Do you want to sit here?" James asked softly.

The boy nodded hesitantly. James got up and let the boy sit down.

"Th—th—thank you."

James smiled. "Are you here alone?"

He shook his head but didn't answer and James knew it was because he didn't want James to think that he was dumb or something. That's what James thought people thought of him when he stuttered. He also knew that it annoyed the hell out of people so he spoke as little as he could.

"Do you like comic books?" James asked.

The little boy nodded. James kneelt down and handed him the Marvel comic.

"Read this one, it just came out." James told him.

The boy slowly took it but didn't look up.

"And hey, don't be afraid to talk. Your stutter gives you personality."

Carlos always told him that and even though he never believed it, he figured the boy could use something uplifting. He knows he could have used it when he was a kid and needed to hear something positive instead of his mom telling him that he was an outcast because he couldn't speak properly the way other kids did.

The little boy looked up at him with his big brown eyes and smiled a little.

"I—I—I'm Dami—i—i-an." He said shyly.

"I'm James." The brunet said and took a seat next to him. "Want me to read to you?"

Damian shook his head. "I l—l—like to r—e—e—e—ad."

James gently ruffled his hair and stood up. "Have fun and if you need anything, you can find me at the desk in the corner, okay?"

The boy nodded with his smile still in place.

Man, he loved his job.


	6. Chapter 6

_winterschild11_, omfg. i hope i dont get anything wrong and offend you :/ if i do get anything wrong, just PM me to let me know!

you all should love me for updating this quick.

thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited, and alerted! :D

im not even going to say enjoy this time because i know you will ;) i know i enjoyed writing it.

* * *

Kendall was sitting in front of the TV with the TV on but he wasn't actually watching. His mind drifted off to James about halfway through the show and he started to mope instead of going out and looking for a job like he promised himself. All he could think about was James and what went down during study hall. He still cannot believe he just blurted something out like that to the brunet. He also couldn't believe that James brushed it all off like it meant nothing. He was so damn sure that James wanted to be with Kendall just as much as he did. The way James looked at him said it all but his words said something entirely different.

He was definitely not looking forward to going to school on Monday.

"Let's go, Kendall!" His baby sister ordered.

Kendall sat up and looked at his sister. She was holding a box of some sort.

"I'm not going anywhere." He told her.

"Mom's sleeping and you need to take me to sell these chocolates."

"Why's your school forcing you to sell those to make profit for the school? That's child labour."

Katie rolled her eyes. "It's going to charity."

"That's what they tell you." Kendall said with a pointed look.

"Kendall, can we just go?"

The blond sighed but he turned the TV off and stood up. He grabbed his keys off the counter and opened the door.

"Where are we going?" Kendall asked once they sat in the car.

"Rosemount." Katie answered.

"You think those snobby rich people will buy chocolate from a 12 year old?"

"They will if they have kids." She grinned at him.

Kendall laughed and shook his head as he drove.

"Do you like James?" Katie suddenly asked.

Kendall choked, instantly slamming his foot on the breaks. "W—why would you ask me that?"

She shot him a strange look. "Why did you stop?"

The blond panicked but found his voice when he saw that it was a red light. "It's a red light."

"Anyway…I was asking because I think you should bring him over more. I don't think he has many friends and mom thinks he gets abused."

Kendall frowned. "Abused in what way?"

"I don't know. Mom didn't say." Katie shrugged.

Well, James was abusing himself by cutting. He just hoped that he wasn't getting beaten by his parents or something. That would cause Kendall to go mental. James cutting himself was one thing but having his parents abuse him as well? The blond shook his head, getting rid of the thoughts. He wasn't going to think like that, especially when he didn't even know what was going on with James' personal life.

He parked the car on the side of the street and got out of it. He took some chocolates from the box and went to a house while Katie went to one across the street. He walked up the stone steps and rang the doorbell.

The door opened and Kendall opened his mouth to say hello, only he couldn't find his voice. His throat was dry and his eyes were wide. The chocolates dropped from his hands the same time his jaw fell to the floor.

James was standing in front of him in only a towel. He was dripping wet from head to toe. Droplets of water were sliding down James' fucking sculpted body and Kendall found himself biting down on his bottom lip so hard he could taste blood.

The brunet slid his glasses on and his eyes widened when he saw it was Kendall in front of him. The blond swallowed, finding it extremely hard to breathe.

"Shit." James muttered before slamming the door in Kendall's face.

Kendall should go. He really should but his legs wouldn't move. He was glued to the spot, the image of James' naked and fucking chiseled upper body burned into his mind.

A few moments passed and the door opened. James was now in a hoodie and sweatpants. He ran a hand through his hair and all Kendall could think of was that water dripping down that hair and that body. All he wanted to do was tangle his hands in those locks and never let go.

They stayed like that for several minutes, staring at each other but not actually saying anything. Kendall could tell James wanted to speak and so did he but neither of them said anything until Katie came out of nowhere.

"Dude!" She said, shoving Kendall. "What'd you do that to the chocolates for? Hi, James!"

Kendall looked down at the ground. Shit. He forgot he dropped those. He bent down to pick them up and James went into his house, only coming back with a wallet in his hand. He took out a 20 and handed it to Katie.

"All together those would just cost like 8 bucks." Kendall said.

Katie just shrugged. "I'll keep the rest."

She started walking away but Kendall grabbed her arm. "Give James his change."

James shook his head and took the chocolates from Kendall, purposely brushing their fingers together. Kendall's breath hitched in his throat and he quickly looked away.

"Don't worry about it." James said to Katie. "Keep the change."

Katie's grin widened as she thanked him and skipped down to another house. Kendall decided he should leave too but just as he was about to James grabbed on to his arm and pulled the blond inside his house before he could even respond. James closed the door, put down the chocolates and looked at Kendall. The fact that James was nervous was evident on his face but Kendall couldn't help but think how adorable he looked. He just wanted to grab James' face and kiss the fuck out of him.

And he did just that.

James made a surprised sound when their lips touched but he didn't pull away. He hesitantly kissed the blond back and placed his hands on Kendall's waist. Kendall gently cradled the back of James' head as his body exploded with all kinds of sensations he's never experienced before.

James' lips were so soft and Kendall never wanted this to end. He wanted to kiss James for the rest of his life. The kiss was slow and steady and their lips were moving perfectly in sync but they could both feel it starting to heat up. Kendall didn't want to stop but James was slowly pulling away. The brunet's eyes were still closed but his hands were placed firmly on Kendall's hips and there was a tiny smile on his face.

"Can I keep you?" Kendall asked breathlessly, his hands now cradling James' face.

"Wh—a—a—at are you, C—c—casper?" The brunet teased, opening his eyes.

James' eyes were glazed over and Kendall was sure that he was wearing the same dazed expression as the brunet.

Kendall grinned. "He got the girl, didn't he?"

"After ch—ch—changing himself."

The blond searched James' eyes before asking, "Do I have to change myself for you?"

"No," James whispered, paused, then hesitantly asked, "d—d—do I?"

Kendall rubbed his nose against James' as he softly said, "Never."

The brunet full on smiled and it sent tingles up Kendall's spine.

"We should go out sometime." Kendall whispered against James' lips.

"We should." James murmured, kissing the blond more fervently this time.

Suddenly a knock on the door was tearing them apart. James ran a hand through his hair to straighten it out and Kendall did the same. The brunet opened the door and Katie was standing there, looking at them with her eyebrows raised.

"Were you planning on chilling here with James and ditching me?" His little sister asked.

"Well, I mean if you can get home by bus."

Katie glared at him and James chuckled.

"I'll see you at school." James said to Kendall.

Kendall's heart stopped beating. James didn't stutter. James didn't fucking stutter. They were going somewhere. They were going to be _something_.

Kendall didn't stop smiling the entire weekend.

* * *

"We have our first game today." Kendall told James in Home Ec. "You should come."

James didn't look him in the eyes when he said, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" The blond asked. "I thought you liked hockey."

"I do but I haven't seen a game since my best friend moved away." James said, shrugging and still not looking at Kendall. "It was kind of our thing."

"You think he'd mind if you came to my game?"

James shook his head. "No, but I have to study tonight so."

Kendall nodded as a jab of disappointment hit him in the chest. What did it matter if James didn't come to his game? James never came to his games and it shouldn't make a difference. But Kendall really wanted him there, to be able to see the look on James' face when he scores, and to see James smile at him. He would be ecstatic to see James in the stands but he didn't push it. If James didn't want to come, Kendall wasn't going to try and pressure him into coming.

"In a couple of months you and your partner will be raising a baby." Ms. Cuddy announced. "I'm telling you in advance so you can prepare as this project is worth 50 percent of your final grade. Your baby will be a crying, feeding, and talking doll so you can't neglect it."

Kendall tuned her out. The last thing he wanted to think about was raising a fucking baby. He glanced at James and the brunet was intently listening to the teacher. A thought crossed his mind and he grinned to himself. He scooted his chair closer to James' and rested a hand on the brunet's thigh. He felt James stiffen but James didn't make a move to remove Kendall's hand. Instead, James placed his hand over Kendall's and gently thumbed the back of his hand.

Kendall stopped breathing.

James' hand was so soft and big that he had the urge to turn their hands over and intertwine their fingers together. He did that and sneaked a glance at James. The brunet was grinning from ear to ear and it made Kendall's heart swell. Thank god they were sitting in the back where no one could see them.

They spent the rest of the class drawing patterns on each other's hands.

* * *

Kendall put his gear on and went over to the bench to tie his skates. He was almost done when someone called out his name. He looked up toward the voice. Katie was there and so was his mom but sitting next to his sister was James. The blond's heart started beating erratically in his chest. James actually came. James came for_ him_. The brunet was smiling shyly at him and it made Kendall grin. He raised his hand and slowly waved, James returning the gesture.

"Why are you waving at the fag?" One of his teammates asked, sitting next to him.

Kendall's hand immediately dropped and he noticed the way James' face fell. His stomach churned at the sight and he mentally punched himself in the face.

_Fuck. _

"I was waving to my kid sister." The blond said, looking away from the hurt on James' face.

Once the game started Kendall didn't have the nerve to look at James after what he'd done. But he did after half time and James was looking back at him, a soft smile on his face. Kendall spent the rest of the game sneaking in glances at James only to find that the brunet's eyes never left his. He couldn't stop smiling and he played better than he ever has before.

After the game Kendall saw James sneaking out of the arena and when he was sure no one was looking, he followed the brunet to his car.

"Thanks for coming." Kendall said, causing James to jump as he turned around.

"Jesus, you scared me." James said with a hand over his heart.

Kendall smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

He was apologizing for scaring him but for also what happened before the game. He just hoped that James understood that. He didn't want to make it seem like he didn't care about James but at the same time he couldn't let the entire world know that he _did_. He wasn't ready to face the consequences of being gay, one of those consequences being getting kicked off the hockey team. Minnesota wasn't exactly gay-friendly and even though James was strong enough to deal with it, Kendall knew that he wasn't.

And James seemed to understand what Kendall was apologizing for because he just smiled and nodded.

"It's fine." He said. "I'll see you around."

"Can I get a kiss?" Kendall asked nervously.

James burst out laughing and the blond melted. What a sight. If Kendall thought James was gorgeous when he looked serious then now, now he looked like a fucking angel. His eyes were crinkling in the corners and the sound of it, god, the sound of his laughter could cure cancer.

"Do you have to ask?" James said, still smiling.

"I don't know, do I?"

James shook his head, wrapped his arm around Kendall' torso and pulled him in as he brought his lips down to Kendall's. The blond wrapped his arms around James' neck and pulled their bodies into each other. He nipped at James' bottom lip and the brunet gasped softly, his arms tightening around Kendall's waist. He was never going to get tired of this, of kissing James and of being in his arms like this. James deepened the kiss but before Kendall could reciprocate it, the brunet was pulling away.

"You should go." James whispered.

Kendall didn't want to go. He wanted to stay like this but he nodded and reluctantly pulled away from James.

"I'll see you at school." Kendall said and kissed James' cheek.

The brunet smiled, brushing away Kendall's damp hair from his face. They stared at each other, neither of them moving an inch, and both of them wanting to stay in this moment so they could never forget it. But James eventually dropped his hand and stepped away from Kendall. The blond watched him get into his car and drive out of the parking lot.

He was on fucking cloud nine and there was nothing that could bring him down.


	7. Chapter 7

_Kames all the way_, omfg i didnt even realize i wrote them like that. i guess im used to writing james as being the dominant one.

thanks to everyone who reviewed, alerted and favourited! they make my day exceptionally better! :D

this chapter is pretty short and i'm sorry for that but i think it's pretty filling.

enjoyy!

* * *

James was at work and having second thoughts about everything. He took Carlos' advice and went for it but he couldn't help but think that this _thing_ with Kendall would lead them both down a horrible path. He knew deep down in his core that whatever he and Kendall were was going to end badly. Everything in James' life ended badly and this was no exception. He needed to get out of it before he fell in too deep.

Oh, who was he kidding? He was already ocean deep. His crush on Kendall just intensified when the blond kissed him. It brought back all these feelings that he had shoved down because he never for a second thought they could ever be together. And the way Kendall's lips felt on his and the way the blond had held him was indescribable. It just felt so damn good James never wanted it to end. He wanted to keep kissing Kendall and holding him until the end of time.

He wanted Kendall more than anything.

He was doomed.

James was suddenly brought back to reality when he heard the door close. The kid from last week – Damian – walked in as he smiled brightly at James, and right behind the little boy was Jonah. She followed Damian toward James and she grinned as she waved at him. Damian stopped right in front of James' desk and looked up at him.

"H—Hi, J—a—a—mes." Damian smiled shyly.

"Hey, little guy." James grinned.

"Is the guy you told me about?" Jonah asked Damian.

The little boy nodded and Jonah smiled warmly. She bent down to his level and told him to go read in the big comfy chair he told her about before ruffling his hair and turning to James. The little boy walked away, waving at James as he went. James returned the gesture.

"Whatever you said to him; thanks."

"How do you two know each other?" James asked.

"He's my little brother and before last week he would barely speak to anyone. He used to get teased at daycare so he gave up speaking altogether but whatever you told him made him come out of his shell."

That made James smile. He never thought of himself as someone who was important or someone people listened to but hearing Jonah say that made him so emotional he felt like crying. Someone actually cared enough to listen to him, even if it was a 4 year old child it was better than nothing. And the fact that someone as useless as him made someone feel good about themselves sent a shiver down his spine.

Maybe James wasn't as worthless as he thought.

"It's nothing." James said. "I just know what it feels like and I wanted him to feel better about himself."

"You stutter?" Jonah asked in disbelief.

The brunet laughed as he nodded. "I do. But just when I'm nervous."

"I don't make you nervous?" Jonah teased.

"I'm gay." James blurted out.

The brunette let out a loud laugh. "Relax, James, I'm not hitting on you." She told him. "Friends tease each other."

"I wouldn't know." James said sadly.

"You mean Carlos never teased you?" She grinned.

"Sometimes."

"I should check up on Damian." She said. "Where's the comfy chair?"

"Here, I'll show you."

James led Jonah to the kid's section where Damian was curled up and reading a comic book. Jonah went to sit next to him and James started to leave, not wanting to intrude their time together when she grabbed onto his arm and pulled him down next to her.

"We are now basically best friends." She said and James opened his mouth but she didn't give him a chance to say anything. "I don't care if you're ready or not. Now, let's hear our little buddy read."

Damian looked up at them, his entire face lighting up. He looked at James and the brunet winked at him. Damian smiled widely and started to read. James grinned and scooted in closer so he could hear, forgetting all about his Kendall dilemma for the rest of the night.

* * *

James wasn't looking forward to school. He knew he had to face Kendall one day, what with being partners and all but he couldn't do it_ now_. He needed time to think things over, not that he didn't have plenty of time last night, he just needed to figure out what to do. There was a part of him that wanted to dive into a relationship with Kendall but there was the other part of him that was telling him to stay far away from the hockey player as possible.

Maybe he should skip today and spend it thinking things over but he knew that wasn't going to happen. Even if he _wanted_ to skip, he wouldn't. He sighed and gulped down what was left of his milk. But skipping one day wouldn't do him any harm, right? Yes, yes it would. He would miss the material and it would go on his record and he would probably never get accepted into university.

He was going to have to face Kendall one day or another so he put his glass in the sink and retrieved his car keys. He grabbed his backpack and got into Porsche. He will never understand how his mother let him keep the car. His dad had bought it for him for his 16th birthday to which he wasn't even present. It arrived first thing in the morning with a note attached to it. James ripped the note apart without even reading it and couldn't look at the car for the longest time. He didn't want to be reminded of his dad every second of every day. But he eventually got tired of taking the bus and he wanted to piss his mom off so he made it his.

He parked his car in front of the school, being the very first student like always, and walked inside. He took his books out and looked down at his schedule. He had study hall.

Shit. He was going to see Kendall first thing in the morning.

He felt like throwing up.

"Hi, James!" Alex smiled, opening up her locker.

James looked at her for a split second before quickly turning away and putting his books into his bag. He shut his locker and walked away from her, knowing that her eyes were boring into his back. He walked into the classroom and sat down at a table. He took out his books and started to work on his Chemistry homework until the bell rang.

When the bell did ring James felt the air getting sucked out of his body. Kendall was going to walk in any minute. Maybe there will be someone else and the blond wouldn't notice him here. James looked around and saw that the room was empty. He groaned. Why did no one ever show up to study hall except for him? He was hoping Kendall turned out to be one of those people who never showed up but unluckily for him, it didn't happen. He stared down at his textbook bus his eyes were just scanning the page. He wasn't reading, he was too focused on what he would say if Kendall walked in.

10 minutes passed and no one walked through the doors. James finally let out a breath of relief and started to _actually_ read this time when someone slid into the seat in front of him. James didn't even need to look up to know that it was Kendall. He could smell the blond from anywhere. Kendall always wore this distinct cologne and even though James knew he only sprinkled himself with it, the smell was horrifyingly intense to James' nose. How did James not hear him walk in?

"Hi," Kendall said.

James finally looked up, putting his pen down in the process. The blond was smiling at him with his dimples prominent and his green eyes shining bright. James felt his heart skip a beat as he melted at the sight of him. He was beautiful. Even those atrocious eyebrows suited him well.

"H—H—Hi." James blandly responded

Kendall's smile immediately faltered. "What's wrong?"

James shook his head and muttered nothing as he packed up his books. He couldn't do this. He couldn't face Kendall and tell him that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the blond. He didn't have the heart.

"I have to go." He told Kendall and shot out of his seat.

He was almost out the door when Kendall grabbed his arm and spun him around.

"What's wrong?" The blond asked softly this time.

"Nothing." James shrugged. "I have to get to class."

Kendall frowned. "That's a lie."

"Fine." James said more harshly than intended. "I just don't think we're going to work out."

"What do you mean?" Kendall asked, his frown deepening.

"I…mean the kiss was a mistake." James said quietly. "Both of them."

"Why are you doing this?"

James looked at him confusedly. "What?"

"Pretending like you don't want this, like you don't want _me_."

"What I want doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

James shrugged. "It doesn't matter, Kendall. I don't want to be with you."

Kendall opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it. He looked at James for the longest time and James looked back. He didn't know what Kendall was going to do and he knows he shouldn't have stayed but he did. The blond finally muttered fuck it under his breath and grabbed the hem of James' flannel and brought the brunet into his body. He kissed James and the brunet was too surprised to respond.

He wasn't expecting Kendall to do this. The blond's arms found their way around James' waist and before he knew it, the James was furiously kissing the blond back, his fingers running through Kendall's hair. The blond's hands went from James' torso to underneath his shirt. The brunet gasped when Kendall dug his fingers into James' back and the blond used that opportunity to explore James' mouth. Kendall's tongue slipped into James' mouth and licked every inch that he could reach. The brunet moaned into Kendall's mouth as he let the blond taste him. The sound made Kendall's grip tighten on James and tried to get impossibly closer to him. James pushed Kendall up against a stack of books and Kendall kissed him even harder. James' hands went from Kendall's hair down to the small of his back. The blond arched himself into James and the brunet groaned into Kendall's mouth.

"Fuck." Kendall muttered.

And just like that James became very aware of the situation they were in. He pulled away, Kendall trying to lean back in and kiss him again but James gently pushed him back.

"We should stop before someone sees us." James whispered breathlessly.

Kendall just murmured incoherent words as he brought his lips back against James'. James couldn't help but smile as he gave in and continued kissing the blond.

"I don't want to stop this." Kendall said softly, pulling away this time and looking into James' eyes. "I want to kiss these lips until I die."

"Kendall…"

"No," The blond shook his head, putting a finger against James' lips, "don't say anything before you've given us a chance."

"If you can't even be seen waving at me then what part of this is okay?"

Kendall's hands dropped and so did his head. He didn't say anything and James took that as his cue to go. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and started to walk out.

"James, wait!" Kendall called out but James pretended not to hear him.

James was okay with a lot of things. He was okay with people bullying him because he was gay and because he stuttered. It didn't mean that he enjoyed it but he had become immune to it. He was okay with people give him dirty looks as he walked down the halls. He was okay with not having a social life and he was okay with being utterly alone but he was not okay with being kept a secret. It took him years to muster up the courage to tell someone, anyone, that he was gay. He kept it bottled up until he just burst. He couldn't do that to himself again.

He couldn't be kept in dark because it was never a pretty place. He wanted to be with Kendall, wanted to kiss him over and over again but being with Kendall wasn't worth the years of self-loathing he had once gone through and would go through again.

Nothing was.


	8. Chapter 8

_4ever with Kames,_ jonah is pronounced with a J and Damian was the same kid from the previous chapter! :)

_Kames all the way,_ in a way it doesnt count. because kendall wasnt really risking anything. no one actually goes to study hall except for james. everyone skips so kendall had no chance of getting caught.

omfg i love how everyone is taking sides.

thanks to everyone who reviewed, alerted, and favourited! :D

im sorry i took this long to update. i was lacking inspiration for kames _and_ i was knee deep in school work.

enjoy!

* * *

"Kendall, would you like to invite James over for dinner?" Jennifer yelled out from the kitchen.

"Not really." Kendall muttered.

He didn't even know how he was going to face James at school and especially in Home Ec. He felt like such an ass but what was he supposed to do? He wasn't ready to come out and he didn't know when he would ever be ready. He needed to apologize, though, because he did lead James on, technically, and then didn't say anything when the brunet asked him a question. He was the one to blame here, not James. He also did have a point. Kendall didn't feel right about having a secret relationship even if the thought of it was kind of exciting. He's never had to hide anything except for his sexuality but a secret relationship sounded kind of fun. Too bad James didn't think so. Why would he anyway? He already came out once and asking him to keep that shit a secret wasn't fair.

"Did you and James get into a fight?" Katie asked.

"What? No. We were never friends in the first place."

"Right." She didn't sound like she believed him but she didn't say anything more. Instead she left the room and Kendall slumped in his seat.

He thought about what to say to James for the rest of the night.

But when morning came he had nothing. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what he was going to do. Would James be willing to speak to him? To understand his side of the story? There was only one way to find out.

He worked up the courage to walk into Home Ec where James was sitting in the front instead of their usual seat in the back. The blond frowned but walked over to him.

"Can we talk?" Kendall whispered.

James didn't look at him when he shook his head.

"Can I sit down?" The blond asked, gesturing to James' bag resting on the chair.

He still didn't look at Kendall when he shook his head again. The blond pursed his lips and went to their usual spot. He spent the entire class staring at the back of James' head and hoped the brunet could feel his eyes boring into his head but James didn't turn around or even flinch. He understood that what he did was kind of rude but getting the silent treatment? He didn't deserve that.

James was overreacting completely.

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't hear Ms. Cuddy call out his name until the person sitting next to him poked his side.

"Hey!" Kendall frowned at the girl.

She just laughed and winked at him. Everyone in the class turned around to look at him except for one person and that person was James.

"Does your family have a special dish of some sort?" Ms. Cuddy asked.

"Sure," Kendall shrugged, "pizza."

The entire class laughed but Ms. Cuddy didn't look too pleased. She told the class to settle down and gave Kendall the stink eye for the rest of the class. After it was over he tried to run after James but the brunet was faster. He was already disappearing behind a corner by the time Kendall got out of the room. He sighed and went to his locker. He banged his head against the metal door until Alex shoved his head away from it.

"Don't do that. You don't have enough brain cells to spare."

Kendall glared at her.

She sighed. "Fine, I'm sorry, what's wrong?"

"I can't tell you."

"It's a secret?"

Kendall nodded and Alex snorted.

"What are we? 12? You can tell me anything."

"I know. I just—I need to figure this one out on my own."

His best friend shrugged. "Okay, good luck."

"Thanks."

"Is it a girl?"

Kendall didn't say anything.

"Is it a guy?" Alex asked with her eyes widening.

"I'm not telling you." Kendall said and walked away to go to his next class.

He spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to apologize to James but for that he would need to actually _see_ James. He didn't run into the brunet the entire day. Where the hell was he all the time? Their lockers were across from each other and Kendall didn't see him go to his locker once. Well there was only one way to get James to listen.

And that is how Kendall ended up on James' front porch.

He doesn't even know how he remembered which house was James' but the Porsche with the license plate 'James' gave him a clue. He couldn't knock, though. He came all the way down to Rosemount in his shitty car that everyone gave dirty looks to and he didn't have the courage to knock. He just stood there, staring at the door with his hands shaking. What was he supposed to say anyway? 'Hey, I'm sorry I led you on and I don't have the guts to come out. Can we just make out until I grow some balls'? Oh yeah, because that would go down so perfectly.

This was a bad idea. He should just leave and hide in a corner and never come out. But he couldn't move. His legs refused to get into his car so he just stood there, staring at the wooden door for god knows how long until it opened.

James was standing in front of him wearing a black and very tight tank top with shorts. He was also sweating and he wasn't wearing his glasses. He was just so fucking beautiful that it took Kendall's breath away every time he looked at James. And his eyes, Kendall could see those hazel eyes without a pair of glasses hiding them. They were even more gorgeous than Kendall had imagined now that he could see them clearly.

"Are you going to stand out there forever?" James asked.

"Do you want me to come in?"

James stepped aside and made room for Kendall to walk inside. The blond took a deep breath and walked in. Shit, James' house was huge. Of course it was, he lived on Rosemount, but it didn't even look like people lived in it. The walls were bare; no picture or paintings or anything. The furniture looked like it was never touched, like they bought it right before Kendall came in. Everyone was just so brand new that it made Kendall wonder if James even had parents. Okay, he knew James had a mom, Brooke Diamond. Everyone knew who she was but it didn't seem like anyone lived here. The house was dark and gloomy and it made Kendall shiver a little. This house was uncomfortable and it made Kendall uneasy which was odd because the last time he came in here, he didn't feel that way at all.

Obviously because he was too preoccupied with James' lips to notice anything else.

"Is there something you wanted to talk about?" James asked.

Kendall turned around and saw that James was still standing by the door. Kendall felt as though James didn't want him here and it made his heart tighten painfully in his chest.

"I just wanted to apologize." The blond said, avoiding eye contact.

"You don't have to apologize for anything." James said softly.

Kendall looked up at him and the way James was looking at him spread warmth all throughout his body. Now he felt even worse.

"Yes, I do. I led you on when I'm not even ready to come out and I'm sorry."

"It's not like I didn't contribute to that."

"Can we at least be friends?"

Now it was James who avoided eye contact.

"I don't know if I can do that." The brunet said quietly. "I understand that you're not ready but I don't have the strength to be your friend when I want more."

Kendall's mouth went dry. He didn't know what to say so he didn't respond. They both awkwardly stood there when Kendall decided he should leave. He apologized and that's what he came for so there was no reason for him to still be here. He started to make his way to the door when a woman popped up out of nowhere.

"Juice?" She asked, holding out a glass of orange juice.

Kendall blinked and slowly took it. "Thanks?"

She smiled at him and walked into the kitchen.

"Our housekeeper." James explained.

"Oh."

They stood in silence once again while Kendall drank his juice. Why was he still here? He should fucking leave because he was just making everything much worse. He gulped down his juice and tried to find something to set it down on so he could leave.

"Do you want to play video games or something?" James asked suddenly.

James was asking him to play video games with him. Did that mean that he didn't want Kendall to leave? That he wanted to spend some time with the blond? Kendall only hoped that's what he meant.

"Only if you want me to." He said.

James bit his bottom lip. "I do."

The brunet started walking to the end of the hall and Kendall followed him. They went downstairs to his basement and Kendall tried to make sure his mouth didn't drop open. Now this room looked like someone lived in it. It wasn't messy but it looked like things were touched more than once. It was James' very own bachelor pad. Kendall had always wanted a room like this. A room with a bar and a gigantic flat screen attached to the wall. There was even a giant fridge in the corner of the room, next to a DDR. They sat down on one of the most comfiest couches Kendall's ass ever had the luxury to touch.

This was heaven.

He never wanted to leave this room.

They played Call of Duty until Kendall blurted out what was on his mind since they had their conversation.

"I want more, too."

James paused the game before staring off into space. Kendall's heart started beating rapidly in his chest because the way James was staring off meant that he was thinking. Kendall didn't want to know what he was thinking. He was afraid James would reject him and never speak to him again.

He should have kept his damn mouth shut.

James slowly put the controller down but he didn't bother looking at Kendall. He kept his head down and he immediately started to fidget.

"But I don't want to be kept in the dark." The brunet finally said.

Kendall let out a breath of relief but then froze. What the hell was Kendall supposed to say to that? He couldn't promise James that he would come out soon. He couldn't even promise it to himself.

"We could be friends until I'm ready to come out?" Kendall suggested.

James turned to look at him and Kendall had this unbelievable urge to kiss the fuck out of him. James looked so fucking good that Kendall was finding it hard to breathe. The brunet's hair was damp and hanging in front of his face and Kendall wanted to run his fingers through it. The tight tank top on him made it extremely hard for Kendall to look at anything _but _James' chest and abs. Kendall wanted to get his hands all over the brunet, to touch and to taste and to devour him.

"My eyes are up here."

Kendall's eyes shot up, afraid James might be mad but the brunet was teasing. He was wearing a slight smirk and his hazel eyes were shining brightly. Kendall never wanted James to ever wear glasses again. He wanted to be able to stare into those eyes without glasses getting in the way.

"Why aren't you wearing your glasses?"

James shrugged. "I wanted to try out some contacts."

"You look good." Kendall breathed. "Really, really good."

"Yeah?" James asked shyly.

The blond nodded. "You always look good. You're fucking gorgeous, James."

James' smile fell off his face and he looked away from Kendall like he didn't believe the words the blond just said. Kendall scooted closer and forced the brunet to look at him.

"You are, James." Kendall whispered. "You're fucking gorgeous and anyone who's told you otherwise is blind."

James looked at Kendall, his eyes searching all over the blond's face before he pulled Kendall into him and smashed their lips together. Kendall let out a surprised moan but he reciprocated the kiss. He tangled his hands in James' hair and tugged on it. James let out a groan as he climbed on top of Kendall to straddle his waist.

The more heated the kiss got, the more aggressive James became but Kendall wasn't complaining. He liked that James turned into an animal and he definitely liked the way James wanted to be in control. Kendall's hands touched every inch of James' skin that he could reach. He wanted to rip the tank top right off of James' muscled body so he could put his mouth all over James' chest. James kissed him harder, as if he heard the thoughts Kendall was thinking, and grinded against him. The blond's hands tightened around James' waist as he arched into James. The brunet let out a loud moan and the sound went straight to Kendall's dick.

But they didn't get to do anything about their hard ons because a loud cough was forcing them apart. The housekeeper was standing there and smiling down at them but nothing about that smile was friendly. Kendall swallowed and untangled himself from James. He put some space in between them and straightened out his hair and smoothed out his shirt. His face was so red that he was embarrassed to look at the lady. Instead he stared down at his hands.

"James, a word." The woman said and walked into a room that Kendall didn't notice before.

The brunet got up and followed her. Kendall finally let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. The next 5 minutes were the longest 5 minute of Kendall's life. He didn't know if he should leave or wait because leaving without saying goodbye would be rude. He awkwardly sat there until the door opened. The housekeeper left without even looking at Kendall and James took a seat next to the blond.

"Is everything okay?"

James nodded. "She just told me to be careful."

"To be careful with me?"

"I've been through a lot and she doesn't want to see me hurt."

"I won't hurt you."

"You're not the first person to say that to me."

"Well," Kendall said, carefully choosing his next words, "I want to be the last."

"Does that mean you won't hurt me?"

Kendall shook his head. "No, I won't."

"Promise?"

James sounded so small and vulnerable that if he asked Kendall to rip his own heart out and feed it to a bunch of hungry vultures with his last breath he would without hesitation.

"Promise."

"Then I'm willing to give us a chance."

Kendall felt his heart leap into his throat.

"Really?" He asked.

"Really." James nodded, grinning from ear to ear.

The blond couldn't help himself; he tackled James with a hug. He felt James' body shake with laughter as his arms snaked around his back. They held each other like that, with Kendall's head in the crook of James' neck, and their cheeks nuzzling against each other for what felt like the shortest amount of time in the world. Kendall never wanted to let go. He wanted to stay in this moment forever, to be in James' arms like this, and to smell the sweet scent of his shampoo for the rest of his life.

They only let go when Kendall's phone kept ringing and ringing.

It was his mom and she wanted him home right away. He tucked his phone away and looked at James.

"I have to go." He said.

James nodded. "I'll see you in study hall."

"I look forward to it."

James grinned and Kendall leaned in to kiss that grin right off his face. The kiss was slow and soft and unlike the previous kisses they've shared before. It was sweet and Kendall did not want to stop but James was pulling away before Kendall could add tongue.

"Let me walk you to the door." James said as he stood up.

Kendall got up and shook his head. "I'll never let you go if you do that."

The brunet laughed and kissed Kendall's cheek. The blond closed his eyes and sighed, leaning into the kiss. James smiled against his cheek and it made Kendall smile even harder. He turned around to give James another kiss but James gently pushed him away.

"At this rate you'll never get home."

Kendall pouted but James just smiled.

"We have plenty of time to make out some more." James told him and that was the only thing that got Kendall to leave.

But it was okay because like James said, they had plenty of time to be together.


	9. Chapter 9

_toritwilight504_, aw, thank you so much!

thanks to everyone who reviewed :))))) and to those who favourited and alerted. you guys keep me going.

enjoy!

* * *

After that Kendall spent most of his time with James instead of spending it with his teammates or Alex. He even started to spend his lunch hour with James. Sometimes Alex joined but after getting a very unfriendly vibe from James she stopped trying to hang out with them. The brunet didn't question how Kendall suddenly left his 'status' to start hanging out with him and he was never going to question it either. He didn't need to mess things up when things were going so perfectly.

James didn't mind Kendall spending his school hours with him, in hiding, and taking away James' 'me' time, though he had plenty of that at home but Kendall was very distracting. He barely got anything done when the blond was sitting with him. He usually spent his lunch hour staring at the way Kendall smiled and how the smiles brought out his dimples. James had always been a sucker for dimples. Just one look at them and he could feel himself swoon.

Today James was studying for his chemistry exam, well trying to study but Kendall wasn't really allowing him to focus. He was on his phone and listening loudly to his music. It could he heard throughout the entire library and it was distracting James. Not because it was loud (James was used to loud disturbances. He did grow up in a household where all his parents did was fight) but because of what he was listening to.

_They don't know how special you are__  
__They don't know what you've done to my heart__  
__They can say anything they want__  
__'Cause they don't know us_

James felt as though Kendall was listening to the song just for James, to show him that he wasn't playing around with James' feelings. The brunet had his doubts, who wouldn't when the most popular guy in the entire school wanted you? Every day he waited for the ball to drop, for Kendall to tell him that he didn't want anything to do with James but hearing this song, it gave him hope. Hope that maybe he and Kendall would last, that it wasn't just something Kendall wanted to do because he was bored.

He stared at Kendall, chemistry forgotten, and thought about how lucky he was to have Kendall even acknowledge his existence. There were so many girls that craved his attention but it was James who was getting it. It was James Kendall was spending his lunch hours with, not those girls, and it made James feel happy inside. He's never had someone like Kendall. Well, there was Carlos but it wasn't the same. Carlos was like his brother.

He missed Carlos more than anything, though. They did everything together. They got their first stiches together when they thought it would be a good idea to go roller-skating down a huge hill with no helmet. They went to their first dance together because they weren't exactly ladies men but there was something about dances that Carlos loved and even though James hated them, he couldn't say no to his best friend. They went to their first R-rated movie together where James was disappointed because there were more naked women then there were men but Carlos loved it because he got to see 'boobies'.

He missed doing things with Carlos, missed just being able to hang out with him and make fun of each other but with Kendall, he didn't miss Carlos too much. He didn't feel the absence of Carlos as much.

He didn't feel as lonely.

He still Skyped with Carlos when he could but it wasn't the same as having him be with him physically.

He watched the way Kendall bobbed his head as he sang along with the lyrics. His hair fell in front of his green eyes, the green eyes James looked forward to seeing every day. His fingers were itching to brush away the hair from Kendall's face but he refrained from doing so. Kendall had made it clear that they couldn't be touchy feely in public. He wasn't ready and James respected that, even though it killed him. He wanted to be able to touch Kendall and speak to him when people were around but he agreed that he wouldn't do anything to attract attention, so he just sat in his seat.

But Kendall was bothering him. He needed to study and this was probably going to be one of the hardest exams to come. He couldn't afford failing it so he did what he would have done to Carlos if the Latino was bothering him.

He kicked Kendall's shin.

The blond's head snapped up, his eyebrows furrowing. He removed his earphones and glowered at James.

"What was that for?" He asked.

James shrugged. "I'm trying to study."

He noticed the way Kendall tried to stop himself from smiling but it didn't work. Kendall's face broke out into a huge grin but he ducked his head to hide it.

"Your exam is a week away." Kendall said when he recovered from smiling like an idiot.

"Yeah and…?"

"You have plenty of time to study." The blond informed him. "Plus, you're a genius."

"Just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean I'm a genius."

Kendall's mouth fell open. "You ass."

The brunet just grinned and went back to studying but this time Kendall grabbed the book from him. James frowned and tried to take it back but Kendall was faster. Of course he was. He was on the hockey team after all, and captain of said team not to mention.

"Wanna ditch?" Kendall asked.

James gasped. "No! Now give me my book back."

"You're a straight A student, James. I don't think your teachers would mind you missing a day."

Every time Kendall said his name, it made his heart flutter. With the way Kendall was looking at him he wanted to say yes. He wanted to spend an entire day alone with Kendall more than anything but he couldn't afford to miss class. Even if Kendall was right. His teachers would probably let him ditch without a warning or calling his mom but he's never skipped and just the thought of it terrified him.

"C'mon, James, I know you want to." Kendall sang.

James shook his head and grabbed the textbook back from the blond.

"I can't, okay." He said and opened the book to what he was studying. "I have to study."

"Fine." Kendall sighed in defeat. "But promise to come to my game on Friday?"

James didn't want to look up because he knew that if he did he wouldn't be able to say no. He knew that Kendall would have those puppy dog eyes with his cute little lips formed into a pout. He couldn't go to a hockey game after what happened last time. He didn't have the heart to see Kendall ignore him like he didn't exist. He couldn't put himself through that. Plus, if the hockey jerks saw him again, they would bully him about it until graduation.

He shook his head and quietly said, "I can't, Kendall. I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

James didn't get a chance to make up an excuse because they were being interrupted. Logan, one of his classmates was standing there nervously.

"Why weren't you at the meeting yesterday?" He asked James.

James frowned. "What meeting?"

"The mathematics competition. Don't you want to take part in it this year?"

He was so wrapped up in Kendall that he completely forgot about that.

"I…don't know. I was thinking about skipping it."

That wasn't a total lie. He didn't exactly want to take part in it. It was always so stressful and it made him feel like utter shit because last year they lost because of him. He got the answer wrong and he never forgave himself for that.

Logan's eyes widened. "No, James, you can't! The entire team is depending on you. We'll get scholarships into whichever university we want if we win."

Now he definitely didn't want to do it. If their futures were depending on it how was James going to live with himself if they lost?

"Just think about it before you shoot it down." Logan said. "We have another meeting on Friday if you change your mind."

He smiled awkwardly at them before leaving. James didn't want to think about it. He made his decision. He wasn't going to participate this year. He did need a scholarship, though. He _was_ afraid that his mom wouldn't give him any money because she wanted him to work for the company. He hated her company and it was the last place he wanted to work at.

Maybe he needed to do this.

"Why don't you do it?" Kendall asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

James shrugged. "It's not for me anymore."

"Are you afraid that if you lose it will be your fault which will make you feel like shit for the rest of your life?"

The brunet looked at him and blinked. How the hell did Kendall know what he was thinking about?

"When I was 12 there was a game I had to play to determine whether or not I would be playing hockey in high school. There was like, 4 seconds left and I had the puck." He laughed, shaking his head. "I'm sure you can imagine what happened. I missed the goal and we lost. I felt like shit and for 2 years I couldn't play hockey. I couldn't even look at my jersey without wanting to punch something. I jeopardized my chances as well as my team's."

James found that hard to believe because Kendall was the best player their school has ever seen.

"I told myself that I wasn't good enough and that I should quit."

"But you didn't."

The blond shook his head. "I couldn't. Hockey is my passion and quite frankly, the only thing I'm good at. I came to my senses when I remembered advice my dad left before he passed away. He always told me to never look back in regret but to accept what's happened and move on because no matter what happens, you keep living. Do you want to live the rest of your life thinking about what you could have changed or are you going to learn from that and do better?"

He was right in a way. Did James really want to remember last year's competition for the rest of his life when he could work hard and win this year?

"Shit, things just got deep." Kendall said as if he just remembered where he was. "I'm sorry for getting emotional on you."

James shook his head. "No, thanks. It opened my eyes a little."

"So, are you gonna do it?"

"Maybe."

"If you don't want to do it for your teammates, do it for me?" Kendall said innocently, his smile growing.

_For you, anything._

"I'll think about it." He answered.

Suddenly the library doors opened and shut so loud it startled James. He whipped his head around to find a jock walking towards them.

"Yo, party at my place tonight!" He yelled out before walking over to their table.

He smiled down at James and Kendall. One of the librarians shushed him but he didn't listen. He didn't even whisper when he spoke again.

"Kendall, you gotta be there." He said then turned to James. "You should come too, James."

He winked at them and left.

"Did I just get invited to a party?" James asked.

Kendall laughed. "Yes you did. You gonna come?"

James going to a party? Yeah right. The last party he went to was when he was 10 and nothing but pizza and apple juice was served. This party would have alcohol, drugs, and teenagers. He wasn't ready to engage with them and never would be ready.

"Probably not." James said.

Kendall pouted. "Aw, c'mon. See what it's like to party with a bunch of idiots."

James shook his head. "I can't. I'm going to get bullied and I'll never be able to see the light of day."

The blond's smile fell off his face and he immediately softened.

"They won't bother you." He assured.

"You don't know that."

"I do. They're not even allowed to look at you or they'll be kicked off the team."

"You threatened them to leave me alone?" James asked, his throat swelling up.

Kendall nodded. "Are you mad?"

He was the opposite of mad. His entire body was about to combust with happiness. No one's cared about him enough to stand up for him and hearing Kendall say that, knowing what the blond did for him, made his heart swell.

He didn't think he could fall for Kendall any harder but boy was he wrong. In this moment he was literally free falling into the unknown, into something he would never be able to get out of, and into something that could possibly break him into several little pieces.

He didn't think about the last part because Carlos was right. Maybe Kendall _was_ the best thing to have ever happened to him.

"You're cute when you get all shy and red." Kendall whispered.

James didn't say anything, only tried to hide his smile as he went back to reading his Chemistry book. Kendall let out a soft laugh and ran his leg up and down James'. The brunet did it back to the blond and they played footsie for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

"I'm going home." Linda, his housekeeper, called out.

"Tell Max I said hi!" James yelled.

She poked her head into his room. "You'll be okay?"

"I always am."

She smiled warmly at him before leaving. He tried to go back to studying but he couldn't. The conversation between Kendall and him wouldn't leave his mind. Kendall was right, or rather, his dad was right. James _loved_ math and giving it up because he screwed up was screwed up in itself.

He needed to do it, for his teammates, for Logan.

For himself.

He needed to prove to himself that he was good enough and that mistakes don't make you who you are. He had to join this competition and win. The doorbell rang and he sighed. He put his books away and went to go answer it.

It was Jonah.

"There's a party 2 blocks away. Let's go."

"I have to study."

"I need a distraction." She groaned. "And I know you do too."

"I don't need anything." James replied. "And it's a school night."

She rolled her eyes. "We can only stay for an hour if you want."

"That's too long."

"Enough for me to get drunk. Now, let's go."

"Jonah—"

She shook her head and grabbed his arm. "You are not arguing with me."

She started to pull him out of his house but he was stronger. He pulled back.

"At least let me lock the door." He told her and it caused her entire face to light up.

He couldn't help but smile. Jonah reminded him a lot of Carlos. They were very similar and if Carlos were here he would have forced James to go to the party as well. He wouldn't have let James stay at home and 'study'. He shook his head. Even with Carlos halfway across the country; it felt like he was still here with him.

He grabbed his keys off the counter and locked the door before following Jonah down the street. When they got there people were already drunk and puking on the front lawn. James made a disgusted face and thought about making a run for it when Jonah grabbed onto his hand and held it tightly. She dragged him all the way to the house and the first thing James saw when they stepped inside was Kendall grinding on some girl with long blonde hair. His hands were on her hips and his mouth was attached to her neck.

James felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach as he swallowed thickly and blinked back the tears. He shouldn't be surprised. He and Kendall weren't _really_ dating. They weren't exclusive and they didn't talk about seeing other people. Hell, they barely spoke. They spent most of their time staring at each other or making out.

But deep down James had thought that Kendall was a one-man-man/woman/whatever.

He was a fool to think otherwise.

He wanted to laugh at himself for being so stupid. No one as gorgeous as Kendall wanted someone as dull as James when they could have anyone. James was just someone Kendall wanted to have around when he was bored. James was just someone he was experimenting with. He was so stupid to believe that he and Kendall would have something special and be happy together. He shook his head.

He knew he shouldn't have agreed to this. He knew he was going to end up hurt but he didn't listen to his head. He listened to his body, the same body that was now regretting getting close to Kendall.

"James, you okay?" Jonah asked.

James looked down at her.

No, he wasn't fucking okay. This loud music was giving him a headache and seeing Kendall with someone else was giving him heartache.

He grabbed one of the Corona's from Jonah's hand and started to drink.

Kendall wanted him here? Well, here he was.

* * *

i hate myself. logan wasnt supposed to be in this fic sigh.


	10. Chapter 10

_Anonymous Rabbit_, you didnt think this fic wouldnt have any drama did you? and dont worry, the only part logan has in the story is becoming james' friend. thank you! happy new year to you as well!

_No-Emotions-To-Cry_, omfg you changed your name and i was so confused for a second.

happy new year to all of you!

enjoy!

* * *

It took all of James' will to swallow the cold and bitter tasting beer. How people drink alcohol is beyond his understanding. Not only was it had for your health but it tasted like absolute crap.

"Hey, slow down." Jonah said but James ignored her.

He chugged down the disgusting fluid while staring at Kendall and the girl. By the time his first Corona was done and he could already feel the world moving beneath him. Fuck, was he a lightweight but at least seeing Kendall getting up close and personal with someone else didn't hurt his soul anymore.

It seemed alcohol wasn't as useless as James originally thought.

He found his way into the kitchen and pulled out another beer from the fridge but before he had the chance to open it someone was taking it away from him. It was Jett Stetson. Fucking Jett Stetson, the only person in the entire world that James hated apart from his parents.

"Who invited you?" He snarled.

"Your dad." James spat out, smirking.

Jett's jaw clenched and he advanced but James didn't move. He stayed glued in his spot and looked Jett right in the eye. If he weren't drunk he probably would have fled but he felt confident for the first time in _years_. Maybe he should drink more often.

"You don't belong here. Get lost."

James snorted. "As if you do, _Stetson_. You've graduated. What are you doing with a bunch of teenagers?"

Jett's face twisted into something along the lines of rage and he made a move to sock James but someone was pushing him away. James blinked slowly and when things came into focus, his breath caught in his throat.

"Jett, touch him and I'll break your fucking nose." He said, standing in between them.

Jett shot James a dirty look before storming off. The person, James never wanted to name, turned around and smiled at him. The brunet swallowed thickly and spun around to make a run for it when he lost his balance but instead of falling flat on his face he fell into the other boy's arms. He gently made James stand up on his feet but James harshly shoved him away.

"I deserve that." He said softly.

James didn't feel so drunk anymore. He could see clearly but the last thing he wanted to see was the boy in front of him. He hadn't changed a bit, only managed to get more attractive. His hair was shorter and he was bigger. He'd been working out.

"What are you doing here?" James finally asked, speaking to the boy for the first time in 2 and a half years.

"Would you believe me if I said I came for you?"

James shook his head and laughed bitterly. He didn't say anything before turning away but he couldn't get anywhere because Kendall was suddenly in front of him.

"You came." The blond smiled, his eyes lighting up.

James just stared at him coldly until Kendall blinked uncomfortably, his smile falling off his face. He quickly averted his gaze and looked past James.

"Dak!" The blond yelled. "What are you doing here?"

Dak. That name was still deafening to his ears. That name still made him sick to his stomach. He needed to get away. He grabbed a beer out of someone's hand, ignoring the guy's angry protests, and stumbled into the backyard. He chugged down the bottle until it was finished and once it was done he let himself collapse onto the ground. He looked up at the star filled sky and for the first time since he could remember his mind was completely blank. He wasn't thinking of his future. He wasn't thinking about Kendall or his cute smile. He wasn't thinking about anything. His mind was just dark.

He should totally get drunk more often.

"James?" He heard a voice.

It sounded like an angel but when he opened his eyes it was just Kendall. The blond helped him up and sat him down on a bench. James buried his face into the crook of Kendall's neck.

"You smell good." The brunet murmured. "You always smell good."

Kendall chuckled but surprisingly, for them both, he didn't move or force James off of him. They stayed like that until James remembered that he was mad at the blond. He removed his head from the juncture of Kendall's neck and grabbed the red cup out of the blond's hand but Kendall took it back and emptied it.

"You should slow down." Kendall said.

"You should stop talking to me." James retaliated.

"What did I do?"

"You don't even know what you did wrong." James scoffed. "The dumb ones. Why do I always fall for the dumb ones?"

It was silent for a moment before Kendall said, "Clearly you're an angry drunk. C'mon, let's get you home."

He stood up and tried to get James to stand up as well but the brunet shoved him away.

"I am not doing this with you!" James yelled but thank god for them, everyone was in their own little drunk bubble to pay any attention to them. "I'm not gonna let you fucking play me."

"Who says I'm playing you?" Kendall asked, getting just as irritated. "If I didn't like you do you think I'd be here trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself?"

"Oh, so now I'm embarrassing? Is that it? Is that why you won't be seen with me in public? Are you ashamed of me?"

"No," Kendall hissed, "I told you I'm not ready to come out."

"Well fine. Then I'm not ready to be with you."

"Fine!" Kendall snapped and started to walk away but James stumbled forward and grabbed his wrist, nearly falling into the blond's arms.

"I'm sorry." The brunet said. "I didn't mean that. I just-"

"C'mon, let's get you home." Kendall said softly.

James nodded and followed Kendall out to his car. The last thing James remembered was being tucked away and getting a kiss on the forehead from the blond.

* * *

"Oh, my god." James groaned.

His head was _throbbing_. He felt as though it was going to explode and his brains would splatter all over the walls. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned over so that he was lying on his back.

"Here, take an Advil." A voice said.

James didn't even need to open his eyes to know whose voice that belonged to. It was engraved into his mind and soul. He would never be able to forget it even if he wanted to. He slowly opened his eyes, the light making his hangover even worse, and Kendall was standing over him, holding a glass of water and some pills. He didn't look too happy. In fact he looked pissed off and James couldn't help but think that _he _was the reason why he was mad but James couldn't remember anything that happened so he didn't say anything.

He slowly sat up and took the water and a pill without arguing. He gulped it down and stared up at the blond. Kendall was looking back at him, his expression unreadable.

"I don't want to fight because this is your first hangover and you look like absolute shit but I just want you to know that what you said last night wasn't fair." The blond said, speaking quietly and James silently thanked him for that.

He didn't know how he was going to endure loud noises.

"I don't remember what I said but whatever it was, I apologize."

Kendall only nodded. "Get some rest."

He started to walk away when James called out his name. Kendall stopped but didn't turn around.

"I'm not trying to justify whatever I said last night but I probably said it because I was mad."

Kendall looked at him. "What do you have to be mad about?"

James averted his gaze. "I saw you dancing with a girl and I didn't take it too well. I don't do jealousy well."

"She doesn't mean anything to me." Kendall said.

"Then why were you dancing with her like that?"

"I have an image to uphold. People expect me to act like that. I have a reputation to maintain."

Oh, god. The pounding in James' head was getting worse. And this conversation was not helping, _at all_. He just wanted something to crush his pain so it would go away. He also wanted this conversation to end. He didn't want to get into a fight with Kendall, not now, not ever. But he had to face the consequences of whatever he said last night.

He was _never_ going to drink again.

"Why do you care so much about what other people think of you?" James asked, trying to ignore the throbbing.

"I'm somebody, James, I have too."

James frowned and looked at the blond, momentarily forgetting about his head. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, because I'm a nobody my feelings don't matter?"

"That's not what I meant." Kendall said quickly.

"I think it's exactly what you meant."

"James—"

James couldn't help but scoff. Maybe this whole thing with Kendall _was_ a bad idea.

"Please leave."

"James, listen to—"

"_Please_, Kendall, I would like you to leave."

The blond nodded and left the room without another word. James closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep when he remembered that he was supposed to be at school.

"Shit."

He got off the couch and looked at the clock. It was 2pm. He groaned and threw himself back onto the couch. Great. Not only did he have his first fight with Kendall but he was also missing school.

Now his head wasn't the only thing hurting, his heart was too.

He sighed, buried his face into his pillow, and went back to sleep.

* * *

Kendall stormed out of James' house and sat in his shitty car, slamming the door shut. He angrily stuck his key into ignition and drove off.

Okay, so James might have had a point but he didn't have to say it like that. He didn't have to hurt Kendall to get his point across. He cursed under his breath and tried not to think of what would come of them. They had a fight, sort of, and Kendall didn't want to think about the consequences.

He couldn't already lose James the same week he got the brunet. He cursed loudly under his breath and drove to the rink to clear his mind. He threw his gear on and skated onto the ice. He threw out a bunch of pucks in front of him and started shooting.

How could James even think that Kendall didn't want him? How could that thought cross his mind when all Kendalls' been doing the past few weeks was spending every waking hour with him? What the hell did he have to do to prove to James that he wasn't some sort of toy Kendall was playing with? What the fuck did he have to do so James wasn't so damn insecure about their relationship?

Okay, so James did have a point in being mad. Kendall would have been too if James was grinding on some girl but like he said, he had an image to uphold. What would everyone think if Kendall just stopped doing what he's been doing for the past 3 years? They'd know something was up and who knows what they'll do if they found out he was gay. He couldn't risk that, not for James, not for anyone.

He just needed to get through this fucking year and he'd finally be able to breathe.

He looked down at the floor and realized he'd been hitting the ice instead of the pucks. James even had the ability to make Kendall lose all focus. They barely fought this afternoon, imagine the damage James could do if they had a _real _fight. Kendall didn't even want to think about it. He sighed and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. He had to do something to make things right.

* * *

The next day at school Kendall tried to get James' attention every time he passed by but the brunet was ignoring him. He finally gave up and hid inside the janitor's closet until he knew James was going to pass. Kendall wanted to laugh. He had memorized James' entire schedule.

If that didn't prove to James that Kendall liked him, then nothing would. He peeked out through the hole and when he saw James coming by he grabbed James' arm and pulled him into the janitor's closet. Kendall turned the light on and looked at James.

The brunet was looking back at him with a confused expression. At least he wasn't pissed anymore.

"I'm sorry for dancing with Kylie or whatever her name is and I'm sorry for what I said yesterday." Kendall said.

"It's okay." Said James.

"Really?"

James nodded and leaned in. Kendall did the same and attached their lips. The brunet's arms circled around Kendall's waist and the blond's hands wrapped around James' neck.

"I'm sorry for the things I said as well." James muttered against Kendall's lips.

Kendall pulled away. "You remember what you said?"

The brunet shook his head. "No, but I do know that whatever I said hurt you and that's not right. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do."

Kendall buried his face into James' chest to prevent the brunet from seeing the stupid smile on his face but James just chuckled. He hugged the blond and played with the ends of Kendall's soft hair.

"Do you still want me to come to your game?" James asked quietly.

The blond's heart stopped. He pulled away to look at James but the brunet refused to meet his eyes.

"Only if you want to." Kendall whispered.

"I'll try to make it after the mathematics meeting." James said, meeting his gaze.

Kendall's grin widened and he surged forward to attach their lips together again. James laughed into his mouth and kissed the blond back, his arms holding Kendall tightly.


End file.
